We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

The weekend approaches

2007-09-28T08:22:00.000-04:00

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And unfortunately I won't be taking much part in it. It is the yearly craft show weekend here in small town Ontario and that equals a crazy busy fruit stand. I think literally bus loads of people stop in to buy baked goods, apples and get some small town hospitality. The only thing keeping me sane is that friends of mine are supposed to come up to take me out to dinner Sat night. Jen is about 16 weeks pregnant and I want to rub her belly and hear all about the exciting plans she is making with her hubby. They want to come up and take some pretty fall photos so we just need to get together and we can both be happy.

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Yesterday I started doing something that I have put aside for more than a year now...quilting. I had wanted to make one for my cousins daughter who is now 6 months old, so I got a move on and have the top almost finished now. I also bought material to make one for Jen's little bean (who they figured out was a boy and they have named him Liam) and have started looking at one to make for my friend Melissa who will need a gender neutral one. I also want to make one for myself. However I am the QUEEN of UFOs (unfinished objects) so I need a little help and motivation to get them going. My friends mum is a quilter and she said she would be happy to help me get something together to finish them (see I can sew the tops but I don't know how to finish them off) So I am hoping to get the tops finished soon and I can have her help putting them together.

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I am having a hard time walking today as my legs are all cramped up from kickboxing. HAHA. What a workout though. 27 years of pent up aggression can finally come out. I am not a yeller so this is new for me and it feels fabulous! I was going to get up and go for a run this morning but I am really stiff so I am going to go for a nice long walk with my Mum instead. I plateaued for a while with the weight loss but I am starting to notice a change again. It is really exciting. I guess right in time for fall!

Dear Dante and other news

2007-09-24T21:30:00.000-04:00

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Dear Dante--let me know how the relationship building goes. Mix Cd's are one of my fave things to get from someone cause you really can get a glimpse of that persons taste, personality etc...So best wishes to you with that. Funny how you can be lead to people on the Internet. I knew that there was a reason I always posted song lyrics!

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My quest for that awesome job is taking a little longer than originally anticipated. The hours I was getting at the clothing shop are now dwindling due to the slower pace of the fall. So I picked up a second job at a local fruit stand. Yes where I live might be officially called the Apple Capital of Ontario...and so I am working for a family friend now selling apples and making pies. It isn't really where I pictured myself at this point in my life but I am learning new things and I know that what ever happens is supposed to happen. I am no longer making good money, but I can recommend what apples are best for making pies/sauce/cakes. No knowledge is wasted knowledge. I guess it is good to have a reason to have to leave the house every day. Although it is weird to be at a job where I am not on the computer every day. I loved being able to check in with my friends on MSN all day and write my blog and do whatever else (I guess that would speak to my newly increased work productivity...hmmm) But for all the crap work wise, I am loving being home so much. I don't mind living with my Mum and my brother, although I do miss having some of my own space. It does feel great for once to be able to just be responsible for me. I get to make all the decisions that effect me and it is nice not to be thinking of anyone else. I am a bit lonely at times as most of my friends are in relationships right now, but it does feel good to have time to myself. I think I never took that earlier in my life when I had the chance and it is something that I have drastically needed. I think that I am the kind of person who tends to take on traits of the people I date. My views, desires and dreams seem to be radically similar to people I have dated even though they are not at all alike. How is that possible? I think that I can be easily influenced and just adapt their dreams to my own. I think that I am going to keep using this time to find out who I am and what it is I really want.

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Tomorrow night my friend Liz and I are going on a "date". We make plans to see each other a lot but inevitably something comes up and we end up canceling so Liz in all her infinite wisdom decided that we needed to schedule "dates" so that we would actually go out. Our original plan was Thai food and then go see "Across the Universe" but it isn't actually playing at our local theatre so I don't know where the night will take us. How exciting. I think I need to keep making plans to go out and do things cause looking forward to something really helps get through the week. This week I have kickboxing on Wed night, Thursday off and then I work Fri-Wed so I am not really looking forward to the weekend this weekend. It's the local craft show and apparently my work becomes a total shit show. But money is money so what can I say. Dear Jesus please help me find a "real" job asap. Last week my grandma told me that she knew what I should do--I should be on the news as a anchor. Like you just pop in and apply for it like that, but I thought it was adorable that she thought that was the perfect job for me. I could also be an astronaut...

Today

2007-08-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

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Due to the unfortunate behaviour of my husband who leaves comments as "Anonymous" thinking that they veil his identity, I have set my comments to moderated. So if you leave me a comment it will be emailed to me and if it isn't a direct attack on me as a person or my mother I will accept it right away. I have been keeping away from my blog and from the net for a while lately as I tend to get nervous to see what he has done, but in a step for self preservation I am taking back what I love and no longer worrying about what he is going to try to do or say to hurt me. Enough of the negative talk...for last night I fell in love....

...with Nintendo Wii!!!! I went down to Guelph to visit my friend Erin on Monday and decided to head to London on Tuesday to spend the night with my friend Lindsay and her husband Jesse. They took me out to an awesome sushi dinner, we went to Value Village to get snazzy outfits for this weekends "wear white before Labour Day" party and then home to drink some vino and play some Wii. I have never really been a videogamer. I loved me some Duckhunt back in the day, but I never got too involved with the continual evolution of playstation and Nintendo. But I really really want a Wii. We played the Sporting game selection, bowling, golf, tennis and some boxing. I was actually sweating playing the boxing and managed to KO Lindsay. What a lot of fun. Today I am not up to too much, cleaning my room (feel like I am in high school haha) and making dinner--I just got a cool recipe for Chicken with artichokes and melted lemons...if it turns out well I will post it. Anyway this is likely a mundane post, but I miss my internet peeps and want everyone to know I am still alive. xo

Duh

2007-07-24T09:21:00.000-04:00

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As I suspected and part of the reason I hadn't posted anything about my marriage before, last night D read it and was hurt. I am removing the post and will no longer discuss my relationship with him online. I will say however that he wrote a post about me leaving and forwarded it to mutual friends, my coworkers, family members and his entire family. Apparently this is different. I was just trying to write something basic but I should have gone with my original feeling which was to not write anything at all.

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I have decided to train for a mini triathalon. (which I think I am spelling wrong so I might want to rethink that!) My friend Lindsay did one last summer so we thought it would be fun to either relay one this year or try to do the mini one. So far I have a pretty good jogging pace but I have to kick it up several notches for the swimming and biking. I think that next week I am going to try to bike one town over. I will be sure to have my brother on notice so that if I can do the 14K but not come back he can pick me up! I just got home from a 3k jog, I can't do the whole 5k at a good pace yet but I am working my way up to it. I was having crazy anxious dreams last night of trying to get ready for my first day of University and I couldnt find a bra and my Ipod (apparently two things never to leave the house without) and I woke up in a panic. Also there were earwigs infesting the apartment I was living in. Gross. So I am finding that running is really helping me relieve stress which is something it never did before. It was always a source of stress as I was lazy and didn't want to get on the treadmill. Maybe I just like running outside? Anyway off to shower then work.

(somewhat) Lazy Sunday

2007-06-10T15:44:00.000-04:00

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I slept in this morning which was gorgeous! For the past week I have been waking up about 7am like clockwork due to a combined force of birds that chirp exceedingly loudly and the sun creeping in my window. For some reason (perhaps cause I moved to the couch in the basement around 4am I managed to stay asleep til around 10:30! I got up and Mum and I had coffee sitting out on the back deck just hanging out, watering the flowers out there and chatting. Was lovely. Erin called and we had a good chat about her coming birthday weekend. I think I am going to head to Midland next weekend for some BBQ action. We want to do some fun yet cheap stuff on Friday night so if anyone has some good ideas let me know :) After my restful coffee/phone break we got my brother up to help us clear out the shed in the back garden. We need it for storage and it still is full of icky and smells like chicken poop (the former owner kept chickens in her back yard of course) So we used a power washer to clean out the inside after we got all the crap out. I think my brother power washed my butt and legs more than the inside of the shed, but I guess that must be a temptation hard to refuse...little brother with a water distribution unit...older sister hanging around. I guess he had to do it!

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Yesterday was my first day of work at the restaurant. I made a whopping $5 in tips! I was in training so it was to be expected but I was still hoping to clear the double digits. It is a really cool place to work and I am looking forward to getting in there more often. I was supposed to work today as well but I think they overstaffed even for someone in training.

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I didn't get to see Tara while she was here or meet her daughter Sophie. I am so disappointed. I had made plans to go up Friday night after work and see them up in Muskoka but the stars were aligned against us with about 35 things that made it impossible. The car I am driving (I will put photos up soon for sure) has a litany of issues and our mechanic didn't think I should take it too far without having the water pump replaced. My Mum's car needed to be taken to the dealership about an hour and a half away to have some warranty piece put on the brakes and I couldn't use my brothers car cause he needed it to get to work. Also my allergies were foul and I didn't want to subject anyone to that. Fortunately she is back in August for her brothers wedding so I will see her then. It is so hard to try to make plans at the moment as my brain is goo and just so much is going on.

Let the sneezing commence

2007-06-08T09:51:00.000-04:00

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I am a fool. For the past week I was thinking that perhaps I somehow have outgrown the allergies that have plagued me for most of my life. I was starting to feel really positive and relatively snot-free til last night. My mum and I met up with my youngest brother at his place of employment and had some dinner. As I was finishing up my last beer, my throat started to itch...not an easy task one would think. So I sat in some discomfort til we headed for the car to get back home. I started sneezing a bit in the car and by the time we got home it was full blown disgustingness. I didn't sleep at all really last night cause I was literally waking up every 30mins to blow my nose and sneeze in abundance. I am very frustrated cause it has also derailed my fitness plan of going for a jog every morning cause today I could hardly get out of bed. The weather has also spiked today at a very balmy 30 C. (i forget how to convert to F at the moment, but suffice it to say it is warm out) I am supposed to go up north to Muskoka today to visit a very dear friend and to snuggle with her daughter but I just don't know if I am going to make it. Everything has come up at the last minute--we have to take my Mums car in due to some potentially fatal breakline issue, and I have to start waitress training tomorrow at 8am!

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On a way less pleasant note--I lost my job in the US! I had applied for Family Medical Leave Act which I thought I was in good standing to get but it didn't work out and so I am now unemployed for the first time in years. Kind of freaky. I have some opportunities up here but currently they aren't in the field where I can make that much money, so for some time I think it will feel like I am missing a zero from the end of my paycheque. I just feel a bit negative today cause i had been feeling so super awesome as of late and now I just feel like things are all coming apart. Blech

If I can still drink that much at 90...

2007-06-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

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Yesterday we had a birthday party for my Grandparents. Earlier this month my Grandma turned 90 and on Friday my Grandfather turned 85. My family thought it fitting to throw them a big party and we did it in style. It was a lot of fun to have family and friends together for a joyous occasion as the last time we gathered en masse it was for a funeral. Needless to say this was a whole lot more fun. It feels so weird to be home and not rushing to do all the things I usually have to cram into a weekend. It feels so freeing to be able to make plans with friends for next week and actually be around to celebrate my best friend's birthday. It is strange to be away from Philly and since I guess it hasn't completely settled in yet that I am not going back in a day or two I think the homesickness will come a bit later. Right now I am still so excited to be drinking red wine with my grandma and getting teased by my younger brothers. It feels so nice to be all together again without such sadness immediately hanging over us. But I digress, the party was awesome. My best friend and her boyfriend came up to hang out for the day (they actually slept over as well) You know someone is your best friend when they will come up to your house to celebrate a familial birthday and kick it with your aunts and uncles. We managed to sneak away to have some quick catching up in conjunction with many many glasses of wine. I am currently putting my photos on the computer and was surprised to notice that I had taken 323 pics yesterday. Well I didn't take them all as family members were enamoured with the Nikon so I have many many random photos of things like the sink and potted plants--I have to go through them a bit before I upload to shutterfly. I thought I would post a few of my faves up here:

Me and my brothers

My cousin and her daughter checking out the fish pond

Me kiss mauling my bestie

Urgh again

2007-05-30T19:11:00.000-04:00

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In typical "me" fashion I have left things to the last minute and I am starting to freak out with the packing scenario. I promised D that I wouldn't leave the apartment a total mess in my wake but at the moment it looks like a dropped a bomb of my crap all over our bedroom and living room (photos to follow--I have already packed camera cord. yay. one thing down) We are both trying to get things done but since we tend to both get overwhelmed in chaos there is no defined leader getting our asses on track so we are both stumbling around the apartment trying to suss out what should be done next. I needed a break so I am blogging while he hits up the treadmill for a few minutes. I keep wanting to say "Ok well let's just worry about it later" but my flight leaves at 8am on Friday so that means later is now. Also I don't want us both running around like idiots on Thursday night and inevitably fighting cause we are discombobulated. Phew...big exhale here. I have never been a really organized person and it is moments like this that I wonder why I am not an organized person cause it would really really help me thrive. Ok...now for the positives--I get to see my Mum, brothers and grandparents in two days. My best friend is driving up to see me on Saturday...really those are some good things to look forward to. I wish I could just teleport myself to Friday afternoon--already got to Canada, no worries with flights, customs etc and it's smooth sailing. (Plus my crazy anal mum will have me unpacked and ready to go in about 20 mins!)

Time Management

2007-05-29T10:39:00.000-04:00

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Yeesh! Not working in front of a computer all day drastically reduces the time where in I feel I can blog. I am actually stealing one minute in between laundry and getting on the treadmill to let people know I am still alive. Getting all my crap together while suffering from amazingly awful allergies has been more time consuming than I thought--when I have a few more minutes (likely next week when I am living in the boonies and too allergic to go outside) I will write about my long weekend in NYC--just stopping by today to report that upon our return Aquaman had gone belly up. Farewell little fish, you weren't a part of our lives for long but we loved watching you swim.

Blogging with Bullets

2007-05-22T10:12:00.000-04:00

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My 'last day of work' onset ADD is making blogging difficult today so I thought instead of trying to piece together cohesive sentences and paragraphs I think I shall just use bullets to illustrate what all I have currently going on in my head.

I think I met a kindred spirit yesterday! GG, my first internet friend turns out to be a cool real life friend. We bonded over her blog on Bookcrossing and we discovered that we are both super cool nerdy girls. Iced coffee conversation at Starbucks was neither forced or awkward. I guess that's what comes for meeting someone for the first time after you have already read all about them on their blog! It was just really nice to meet someone that you automatically feel comfortable with. For our quick coffee break we delved into pretty deep coffee conversation as we exchanged books. I am saddened as I have been looking for a friend like this for a long time (and of course we meet as I am preparing to move) but I am also taking it as a blessing to have a fun new friend to share my love of books and crafts with even from a distance. (also reason #1223 to love this gal, as soon as we got back to our offices after meeting we both immediately went online and journaled about our bookcrossing exchange. Woman after my own heart!)
I don't know what I have signed up for lately, but on average I am getting 8 emails a day from Prince someoneorother telling me that I am a long lost heir from Africa blah blah he wants to send me money. First of all I am on the albino side of Caucasian. My British heritage has passed down upon me skin the shade best described as "catfish belly" white. I really don't think that some African prince is in my background. Also with how utterly common my last name is I know that they didn't some how track me down through ancestry.com Don't know why it annoys me so much. I think it's cause hotmail tells me I have a ton of emails, so I get all excited imagining the fun email I will have and then it's all crap. urgh.
My coworkers took me out for a farewell lunch yesterday at Estia. It really is sinfully delicious to get to enjoy wine during lunch on a weekday! Mari took her camera out to start taking photos and realized that her memory card was at home in her laptop. That is so something that I would have done which just made me start missing her already. Lunch was awesome and tonight they are all taking me to Continental Midtown for happy hour. I can't wait for drinking some highly overpriced martinis with my work peeps tonight. As much as I complain about my job I really love the people (most I should say) that I work with and I will miss them a lot.
Yesterday was a big day for me in the bookcrossing world...well not so much to anyone else, but I managed to release 3 books. Which is a lot for me in one day. As of yet no one has gone online to let me know that they found them, but I have started making up backstories in my head for those people who find them.
Off to my last lunch working here. weird. Mari and I are going to get sammies from Starbucks and go take photos in the park. hurray.

Reason #51169 that I am a big Efing idiot

2007-05-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

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About a year ago my Dad called me at work and left a message. It wasn't anything special, just him telling me that my mum was away over night and he was taking my grandpa out for dinner. It ended with an I love you hunny and nothing more. I had just never got around to erasing that message and after he passed away I was so thankful that I had kept it. I only listened to it once or twice cause I would cry just hearing his voice, but knowing it was on my phone was sort of a security blanket. I knew I could listen to his voice if I wanted. In preparation for my last days of work I was trying to get lose ends tied up. The amazing IT guy here came over to show me how to save it to a wave file...we got it all set up and somehow I have managed to delete the message. Like a sweetie he went back into the system to see if he could save it somehow, but it is gone. And I am in tears at my desk. Mari came over and gave me a huge hug but I can't stop crying and sniffling and I just feel like crap and want to go home. It is one of those things that just makes me so fucking angry that I didn't get around to taking care of it sooner--it just seemed like it didn't matter cause it would always be there. Kind of like how I thought he would. Grieving is just ridiculous. Last night I was so proud of myself cause I was able to watch Golf highlights without dissolving into a puddle, but now I am going to feel like crap for the rest of the day. I just hate that I can be feeling like I am having a great day and then just as suddenly there I go breaking my heart again. ouch.

Thoughts from this morning

2007-05-17T12:52:00.000-04:00

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*Insert heavenly chorus of Angels noise here. I have finally found something that works for my cold sores. I know that as I type this it’s signing the death warrant of it actually working for me again, but I had to share. My dear friend Tara sent me a package of these Compeed patches along with some chocolates a few months back. I have had two cold sores since then and I just put these on as soon as it started and they didn’t get all huge and gross! Hallelujah. Downside is that they seem to only be available in the UK and I think I can only pester dear sweet Tara to mail me stuff so many times. What is something fun from the US I can post her in return…I don’t think a cheesesteak would hold up in the mail.

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Last night was fun watching the Phillies cream the Brewers. I do like watching a sporting event live, much more so than on television. Sometimes however baseball gets a bit long for me. Poor D, it’s me taking him on romantic date night and then I sat for two innings and picked the fake nails off my nails. Lovely right? They were just starting to get crappy looking so I decided they had to come off. And picking at them is cheaper than being charged $20+ to go to the salon and have them removed. I am such delightful sporting company. We went home and watched the Tivoed season finale of Criminal Minds. I started to cry when someone was killed. I know it’s silly, but she was rescued last season from a terrible death and it just seemed so unfair that another bad guy would "get" her. D kept reminding me that it was just television and that Gideon and the crew would get the bad guy in the end but for some reason I was just really upset about it. I am a 100% dork if I can't handle watching my fave shows without having meltdowns.

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I have been wanting to write a post for about 2 years now titled "An open letter of hatred to Verizon wireless" but I have yet to get around to it. I am afraid if I let all my anger towards that shitty not at all customer service oriented company out, I will get put on a government watchlist cause it is a violent hatred for them. I have literally left their store in tears on more than one occasion with the way they have treated me. But I digress. My point for now was that last week my cell phone charger stopped working. When I went in to replace it I was told "but ma'am that phone is over two years old. We don't still have chargers for that!!" (ok so when was a two year old phone considered a dinosaur asshole?)--I stormed out at this point so that I didn't start throwing things at the injustice of it all. SO...D ordered me one from Ebay which has yet to arrive so I have been without a phone for over a week now. It is strangely freeing. Also weird cause I haven't talked to anyone, but they have my work number and D's cell phone number should they want to get in touch (left it on my answering machine)..so I either have no friends, or else I have been obsessively checking my cell phone every 10 mins for the past few years for no reason. It feels strangely freeing to have cut the cord. Granted there hasn't been an emergency lately wherein I would need a phone so I would likely feel different if that was the case, but it is nice to go out and think that I am not immediately accessible to everyone who has my digits.

I changed my mind...

2007-05-16T14:03:00.000-04:00

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...insert that barfy face here in stead. URGH! In my infinite wisdom I have somehow managed to totally screw up my finances. I am 110% sure that I made my last two credit card payments as well as my cable/internet payments over the Citizens bank online payment thing. But something has obviously gone terribly wrong. I got a note from my friendly neighbourhood Bank of America last night politely inquiring as to where my credit card payments are as they are late. Really really late. I thought that they were just crazy and decided to wait til today to investigate (cause hello a letter from your credit card company isn't important or anything) SO, from looking at my payment history there is absolutely no record of me having made the payments. I didn't bring my day planner into work today so I don't know what the dates were I am praying that for once I remembered to write down the confirmation numbers of the transactions. It costs $45 every time that my credit card payment is late so I am literally going to barf if I have to pay $90 for this. Please say a little prayer that the bank totally screwed up and not me so that I get some help with this. I feel like such a jackass cause D has told me time and time again to pay better attention to my money and balancing my cheque book but like an idiot I just don't and then these situations arise. I hate that I am full of tears and anger today as I am trying to be so positive, but it's so hard when these things happen. I know it's just life or whatever, but for once I just want to maintain that "yay seems like I have things sort of under control" feeling for a bit longer than the usual two days. I feel like crap for venting lately cause I just am so overwhelmed with all the decisions and huge life changes coming up. Is everyones life like this? Am I doing something wrong or is this normal? I think I just have to work harder to keep the things that freak me out under control.

Less than a week!

2007-05-16T10:48:00.000-04:00

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If I new how to make the MSN barfy face emoticon show up in my blog I think I would put that in right about here--I am terrified about quitting my job. It's funny cause I have bitched about it for the entire time I have worked here, but it has been routine for the past almost 5 years (I interned here a wee bit before I finished university) I got a bit teary getting coffee yesterday with Mari, we have been supportive, "got your back" kind of coworkers together and I will really miss seeing her every day. In fact today she is in training and I am supposed to be writing tests and I am lonely being the only one in my section. What will she do when I am gone? The other girl that we used to hang out with randomly stopped talking to us just before Christmas. Physically acting like we don't exist. We haven't really figured out why, we think it's because we didn't go to a happy hour that she had with her rugby team. That day it was due to pour rain and while she had taken the week off we had worked all week and were tired and not wanting to go out. After that she has completely not spoken to either of us. She did this to me once before so we just decided that she is clearly crazy so we left her alone. I am now feeling like I am abandoning my dear Mari to fend for herself as she will have to deal with this crazy alone. I have actually had in-my-own-head confrontations with her where I tell her that she needs help and that at 26 the actual way to deal with conflict or being upset with a friend isn't to freeze them out. Yesterday I started thinking that if she said goodbye to me I would say something like "bye then, have fun being miserable to people who want to be your friend" although I would clearly not do that. I would just say goodbye back. I guess her tactic worked in the way she wanted cause it did piss me off, although everyone else in the office who has noticed her behaviour thinks she is a nut. wow clearly I needed to get that out.

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We didn't make it out to all you can eat sushi last night :( The timing didn't work out with the people we were double dating with so instead we went out to Cuba Libre (a divine yet kinda $$ Cuban restaurant in old city) Then we went to the Ritz to see Waitress. I never realized how beautiful Keri Russell is until that movie. She was just gorgeous throughout. It was a really great chick flick if anyone is interested. I think D enjoyed it as well--not 100% sure cause sometimes he pretends so that I don't feel bad for my movie choices. The downside to this is that I now want to bake and then eat a million pies. The cinematographer did an excellent job of making the pies look divine. Tonight I am taking D on a date night to the Phillies game cause it's Ryan Howard bobblehead night.

Not so Terrible Tuesday

2007-05-15T11:10:00.001-04:00

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Even though I have been trying to be more positive lately I haven’t been feeling so awesome. When we went down the shore I weighed myself and I actually weigh 10 lbs more than expected. Not super awesome for the jolt of self confidence I needed. But that was two weeks ago and I have really been exercising a LOT and eating much better than usual. (ok so I had pizza for dinner on Sunday) But I actually feel a lot more motivated to try to get my butt in gear so I can feel better about myself this summer. This morning I dug out a pair of jean capris to wear and they are actually big on me! The butt is a lot roomier and the waist is a lot looser than it was last summer. HURRAY! Perhaps I am firming up in places and just now have a fat brain or something. It was nice to start the day off on a skinny note. I also brought a cute new pair of red heels to wear today and there is just something about wearing heels that makes me feel sassy. So today is starting off on a good note. I think tonight D and I are going on a double date with my friends Mari and Gabe—there is an all you can eat sushi place in Chinatown that charges $20 for all you can eat sushi and it is SO delicious. Then likely home for some American Idol action--anyone want to guess who will be voted off this week? At this point it is anyone's game, but I wonder if Blake's hotness and different style is enough to get him through to the finals.

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I started a fabulous new book last night: Eat Pray Love. While I am only on page 25, it just grabbed me right from the introduction and dragged me in. If I hadn't been so tired I think I would have stayed up all night reading. I am loving this Bookcrossing (yeah like I haven't mentioned that enough lately haha) cause it really got me reading again. I took such a long hiatus from reading that now that I am back I feel like I just bumped into a cherished old friend after a long absence. I think that I have just been so depressed for the last 8 months that the thought of picking up a book was just completely foreign to me. Nothing could hold my attention that long and plus TV was just that much easier. So I can say that my list of books to read has grown exponentially! I think I will be doing a lot of reading this summer-->tis good to keep busy while living in a small town.

The Beginning of the End

2007-05-14T12:07:00.000-04:00

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Today is the first day of my last full week of work. I didn't think I would be this effected (or is it affected?...why do I always screw those two up?) by the change. Everyone has come up to my desk and expressed their sadness that I was leaving. I am going to miss a lot of these people. While some of them I could handle not seeing again, I have spent 8-10 hours a day with these people almost every day for 4 years! They have become my work family and it saddens me to think of all the daily rituals that I will no longer be a part of. Bagel day on Fridays, Pretzel day on Tuesday...running to Wawa when the coffee supply here stops satisfying. I know that change can be good and I feel funny that I am so nervous about it. Twice before in my life I have packed up all my goodies and moved to another country--New Zealand for 6 months when I was 18 and the US for what was initially to be 18 months at 23. I was terrified both of those times but now my decision doesn't just effect/affect (can someone help me with that) me. I know that D is hoping more than anything I will decide to move back to Philly after August, but I think after such a long absence I will just be so happy to be home that I won't want to leave again for a while. My friend Tara and her hubby invited me to come live with them in the UK for a few months...an idea that really has piqued my interest. I could do childcare or try my hand at supply teaching, make money in pounds and save up a wee bit. This could also be a great time and another adventure, but at the moment I really can't make any sort of plan like that. Also I have been away and homesick for so long I don't know how I would take picking up and moving again!

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Had a pretty good weekend--we saw Hot Fuzz on Friday night which I just loved. British comedy really does it for me and as I loved Shaun of the Dead I was hoping that this wouldn't disappoint. Saturday we went out to New Hope, PA which is a really cute little town with great shops and yummy restaurants. Having no car is good financially for us, but for things like travelling around the outskirts of the city it isn't that easy. We had to take a train for an hour out to West Trenton, NJ, our friends picked us up there and then drove us the rest of the way. Sunday we took the train once more to go out and see D's mom-mom for Mothers day. We went out to a Jewish deli for lunch and it was delicious. We got her 'Dreamgirls' for a present and she was SO excited about it. Hurray for giving good gifts.

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It was a change being on the train this weekend. Taking the train is something I don't do that much any more, but we took advantage, snuggled up in the seats and read books. I finished "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen and I can hands down say it was one of the best books I had read in a while. I was actually sad that it ended cause I just loved the narrator so much. This is not going to be a bookcrossing book cause I can't bare to part with it. I might lend, but am not leaving. Friday night at the movies I released another book. Despite me checking out the website with a near OCD frequency no one has yet journaled it. I have been corresponding with the woman who writes www.redredwhine.com as of late and we are new bookcrossing buddies. She actually has some of the books on my wish list and at least if I trade books with her I know someone will journal their travels! I actually ran out of my office this morning as someone had "released" a book across the street in the train station, but alas it was gone by the time I got down there. I keep hoping that one day these books will find their way into the hands of someone who finds the idea as novel as I do and will comment on finding it.

Shopaholic

2007-05-11T15:40:00.000-04:00

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Today I decided I want to buy This. I know I just bought a digi SLR, but the images with this seem like a lot of fun. All this after I had a 40 min discussion about how to save money. eeek.

My Phabulous Philly Top 5

2007-05-10T13:34:00.000-04:00

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This is my entry for Top 5 This is my first blog contest entry so wish me luck ;) It is due at the end of the day today and since it is one more thing to do on my quest to make it through the entire day without being productive I will have to get it done asap. I can't really be witty on the fly, or really not on the fly either so this may not really be that fun. But it does seem I can be self deprecating on the fly huh? Ok, back on track-->this is the "5 things I will miss most about living in Philadelphia" (notice I wrote 'things' not 'people' hunny, you know you are #1 on that list ;) )

Soft Preztels--I have loved many a pretzel in my life, but none so much as I have these past three dough filled years in Philly. I have noticed that even my germaphobe self will still eat a soft pretzel sold to me by some random dude standing outside of Phillies games. I will buy them in the 7/11, (not from Wawa though cause those aren't as nice) and in fact I bought one today from the Philly soft pretzel factory. While we get those crappy hard crispy ones in cheap packaging, I have yet to find a delicious soft Ontario Pretzel. I would like to propose that someone in Ontario start making these in abundance, they really do replace all in the line for best after a hard night of drinking snack food. Oh this I will really really miss
Rita's Water Ice--D and I make a habit of going for a walk a few times a week down a few blocks to get some Rita's. Although the sound of "frozen flavoured ice" really doesn't sell it, let me tell you, it is delicious. My two faves are raspberry and banana; they don't have either of these flavours that often but last night they had both. What a time deciding. (ended up with raspberry) I know that there is lots of ice cream and perhaps some forms of gelato in Ontario, but I know for a fact there is no Rita's and it has fast become my favourite summer treat.
Rittenhouse Park--I love that there is such a beautiful park right in the city, within walking distance from my apartment. We like to go there and people watch, dog watch and just enjoy the evening (or weekend) weather. There are many benches so it's usually possible to get a seat and we can listen to the buskers or just hang out somewhere outside that isn't covered in Concrete. We used to go get coffee or hot chocolate in the winter and go sit in the park as well, it is so much fun to see everyone out enjoying the small space of un-city like setting smack in the middle of a huge city.
Wawa--Perhaps I just love the name of this convenience store. It is much more fun to say than "Mac's" or "Beckers" (two of the main Ontario shops) But to me it's just so much more. They make to order many delicious sandwiches I have enjoyed over the years. I love that the one near me is open 24 hours so if I am that tricky combination of starving and lazy I can meander over there and they make me what I want. I have headed over there on my way home from the bar to get a meatball hoagie to sop up some of the beer...oh Wawa you have treated me so well. I also like to go there for coffee in the morning. Cheaper than Dunkin's and the morning shift gals who work on Arch st are hilarious. To me Wawa just seems so 'Philadelphia' to me, my little east coast convenience. sigh.
Weaver's Way Co-op--This little gem is located in Mt.Airy (just west of Philly) It is in the neighbourhood where my hubby grew up and I have come to love it as we have shopped there all the time. They sell lots of homemade treats as well as lots of organic food, neat items and fresh veggies. The eclectic nature of the second floor with it's free trade coffee, kitchen needs, handmade beaded goods. The wall heading up the stairs with advertisements for free cats, new apartments, and people willing to lend a hand. If just screams 'COMMUNITY' as you walk in there and I will really miss the automatic comfort level that is attained once crossing the threshold.

Those were the top 5 phab philly things I could think about missing--I am just realizing how they are all associated with food. No wonder I keep worrying about the need for exercise! There are MANY more things I will miss, museums, restaurants, sports stadiums, the amazing view from my apartment....oooh I am getting sad already.

Thankfully Thursday with photobooth pics

2007-05-10T12:23:00.000-04:00

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I am wearing fresh out of the dryer jeans today—which means that they are just a wee bit tight. Didn’t notice til I sat down at work and now my butt is feeling a little squashed…hope it’s not indecent work wear! (They aren’t normally hoochie jeans, just feel that way right now!)

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I didn't get up to too much last night. I started obsessively digging out books and starting to register them on bookcrossing. D is getting a bit nervous that I am going to start giving away all my books, but I just thought it would be fun to put in the ones that I have yet to read. I KNOW when I move home this summer I am going to get my friend Erin hooked on this and we can start exchanging books and leaving them all over our small towns. I actually started my first "bookring" this morning AND mailed out the book at lunch. A bookring is where you find people who are interested in a book you own and like a chain letter with way better results, you send the book to the first person in line, they then read it and send it to the next person in line and so on. I am very excited as this is the first book I know someone will find and actually journal about. weeeee. I just wish I found out about this in the fall before I gave away 4 huge bags of books. sob. I think that everyone who knows me would say that i am a passionate person, but I think that sometimes it might weird people out with how carried away I get with things I love. It is true that I tend to get really excited by things and sometimes when they don't turn out the way I want I let them go by the wayside. (ie--took knitting lessons, made half a vest. Hated it so I gave it up. Took quilting lessons LOVED it, but I don't have room in my apartment to have my sewing machine set up anywhere...doesn't mean I won't be all over it when we have a living space larger than a shoebox) I had told my friend Hugh about this yesterday and he said that he thought it was cute the things that I get so excited about...so hurray for being cute and passionate. wooooo.

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No big plans for tonight. We were going to try to have a date night, but there aren't any movies out we want to see at the moment and it's supposed to thunderstorm later which kills all the fun outdoor stuff. I think we are going to rent 'Shaun of the Dead' and check that out before we go see Hot Fuzz with some friends on Friday. Also coming out this Friday is 'Waitress' looks amazing. Even the ever cynical writers at pajiba.com gave it an amazing review. Plus Matlock is in it so what more could you ask for?

Can't stop...

2007-05-09T15:45:00.000-04:00

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...playing with bookcrossing. I LOVE it. I have emailed almost every single person I know hoping to get them as excited as i am. I don't know why but it just appeals to me SO much. I am so annoyed that I gave away all my other books in January :'( I would have about 70 more to list. I am looking forward to hitting up the library's cheap sale table at some point so I can release some more. This is just what I needed, to get excited about reading again--oh books I have missed you so!

Hurray for Hump day

2007-05-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

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Today is my free lunch day. Hurray for winning things. And hurray for my willpower—I love Mexican food, but instead of ordering some of the naughty cheese smothered things I love, I got a chicken and avocado salad instead. I am sure it won’t be quite as satisfying as the Flautas or what-have-you, but I am sure my waist line will thank me later (as well as my stomach tonight when I get on the treadmill) Last night was to be our second night of awesome healthy cooking at home, but we ended up going out to Marathon instead...oops. I did however order a salad which was delicious and surprisingly filling so I feel good about that. I think my main problem is that I like all the goodies in my salad (nuts, cheeses, other non healthy salad accouterments)

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Urgh. I started writing this this morning when I was all full of promise with my freebie. Unfortunately my salad is rebelling against my insides and I feel like complete crap now. :'( But it was still free so let's try to be positive here. Wonder who is going home on Idol tonight? It's funny cause I look at all other reality shows with such disdain, but I love me some American Idol!

Three Weeks

2007-05-08T13:04:00.000-04:00

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I move back to Ontario in three weeks. I am still unsure if it is permanently or just for the summer but I just hate feeling so confused about things. I am SO excited to be near my family and friends again. While there has been a lot I have loved about living in Philadelphia I have remained homesick for almost 4 years now. I know that this will somehow all get figured out, but I just wish that there was a way for it to not be so dificult. Also--this past weekend I found out that I weigh 10 lbs more than I thought I did. While this doesn't make me a heifer by any stretch of the imagination, it is just really disappointing as I felt that I had been making some progress with the treadmill and the eating better. D said he would help me and is putting me on the 3 week blast plan. (I just made up the blast plan part...we didn't give it a real name) But I am getting my ass on the treadmill everynight for at least 300 calories, but I am aiming for closer to 500. We are cooking in every night (a REAL stretch for us) and trying not to be so snacky before bed. I am going to two weddings this summer and it would be nice to feel super sassy at both of them so I am keeping my cute dress choices in mind as motivation when I don't feel like doing anything productive.

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American Idol is on tonight and it's BeeGee night......I can't wait to watch. So lame I am this addicted.

Weekend fun in Delaware

2007-05-07T14:02:00.000-04:00

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We had a really fun weekend down in Delaware. I have illustrated some of the shenanagans we got up to:

All you can eat crab. So good it's ridiculous

We went to our fave all you can eat restaurant and had some amazing crab dinners. I ate 4 baskets and D ate 5. We washed them down with some "Yarrr Matey" frozen rum drinkie thing served in a coconut. Sweet. I think we took something like a hundred photos so I won't bore you all to death with them. I just picked some of the fun ones to illustrate our activities. We also played mini golf and saw Spiderman 3 but I just can't be bothered uploading that many more photos.

Cool Lighthouse we stumbled upon

I absolutely LOVE Bethany Beach. D's shore house smells like my old cottage (which we had to sell when my parents divorced) There is just such a "homey" feel down there and it is just such a neat destination. The outlet malls are a ton of fun, there are mini-golf courses everywhere you look and the restaurants are delicious. It is just so scenic and being from Ontario I still get excited about seeing the ocean--didn't happen too much when I was little. I was so looking forward to getting down there and taking lots of photos, unfortunately the ocean and the sky didn't cooperate in the ways I was hoping for, but it was still an all around fun weekend.

Hanging on the Deck at Harpoon Hanna's

A new Hermie came home with us

Two summers ago D indulged me and bought me a few hermies as pets. I think he thought that they would be a short time commitment sort of pet. To be honest we likely don't have the same few that we brought home with us that first day, but as they have passed away we have felt the need to replace them. They are really social creatures so we thought it was cruel to just let their numbers dwindle. We have four right now and even though they are kind of creepy looking, it is so sweet to see them all snuggled up in the corner or their aquarium. They also chirp to each other sometimes it sounds a bit like crickets.

D on the deck

Gettin 'er done

2007-05-03T13:33:00.000-04:00

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I somehow got some of my shit together and got some stuff done today--not all work related, but at least I stopped procrastinating here is

.:Called Grandmother who is in hospital with new hip to check in

.:Paid some of credit card bill

.:Paid Cable Bill

.:Posted Mother's day card

.:Wrote check to former therapist who I unfortunately still owe piles of money. It is a shame cause I feel not at all that much better than before I went to see him and of course he didn't take insurance. Asshole.

.:Started arranging how exactly I am getting back to Canada.

.:Actually read all the info on the Family Medical Leave Act that my father in law printed out for me...might actually apply this afternoon.

.:Got some of my work off my desk.

.:Made a list of all the crap D and I need to bring with us for going down the shore this weekend.

.:Looked up who the hell Peter Bjorn and John are since I am going to see them tonight. Greg's boyfriend bailed on him so he is taking me. I haven't ever heard their music before.

A new obsession

2007-05-03T10:12:00.000-04:00

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The other day I stumbled upon a great blog RRW. In one of her more recent posts she mentions how she signed up for a neat website called Bookcrossing. The premise is simple--you have a book you have read and don't want any more? You register it on the site and "release" it into the wild. As an avid reader and bibliophile this idea really got me excited. (I am such a nerd FYI) The unfortunate thing is that in February I went through all my bookshelves and got rid of most of the books that I was ready to part with; not an easy task for me! So while I was thinking all day that I must have at least 20 books I could release, when I got home and checked I could only find two! So I think that I will be starting off with this bookcrossing on a much smaller scale and originally anticipated. I got a Jodi Picoult book all registered and ready to go and brought it with me to the movies last night in west Philly. I left it in the theatre and have now been anxiously checking the status online hoping that someone will soon check in that they found it. I put a sticky note on the front that said "Free book to a good home, see inside" and I had the bookcrossing information and registration number on the front page. It felt so foreign to me to be leaving something so treasured, a book, behind. I looked back several times as I was walking down the steps and out of the theatre...like I was leaving my kid on their first day of school. I have such lofty aspirations for the life of this book and I am so hoping that someone will write it to keep me abreast of its travels.

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Due to my "mental work checkout" I have officially completely screwed myself as I realize the amount of work that I need to do today. Yet here I am updating my blog cause somehow I deem this as critical on my list of things to do. Urgh. D and I went to see 'The Condemned' last night. While we were in Florida I got to pick two movies for us to see (Meet the Robinson's in 3D and Reign over Me) so it was his turn for the movie choice. It was one of those actioney movies where everyone kicks everyone else's ass and gratuitous violence ensues. I think that it was to be a bit of a social commentary on what we are willing to watch on television and desensitization to violence, but it wasn't exactly plot or dialogue heavy. But it was good for the kind of random actioney sort of thing that D was looking for. It was better than The Marine by about 100%, which I made D watch cause Jon Cena was it in. Why do I suddenly have a thing for wrestlers? I am regressing into a prepubescent boy. Eeek.

I'm a wiener..I mean winner!

2007-05-02T11:52:00.000-04:00

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I have been trying to put positive feelings out there lately in the hopes that things come back to me (a la Secret) Yesterday Mari and I went to lunch at the mexican place downstairs and I dropped my business card into the "win a free lunch" box at the door. This morning someone called and I won lunch for 12 people! YEE freaking HAW! I am really excited. Of course it comes with a hitch which is we have to listen to a 5 minute presentation from Ameritrade, but whatever free lunch is worth a sales pitch. So I am going to keep putting out feelings of "I am a winner and I like to win things" and hope that next time the Lotto is in the millions it comes back to me as well :)

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I am having a hard time getting things done at work lately. I think I have mentally checked out in a way and I am just waiting to move on. Isn't that awful? I have actually had to bust my butt a bit today cause I am taking Friday off and it would be nice if it wasn't completely obvious by then that I haven't been doing things all week. I started a list of things I have to get on and I think that it's going ok. By no means am I on top of it, but I called and spoke with my immigration lawyer this morning, went and dropped off documentation of my marriage. And then I started doing "important" things like looking up tricks for using my camera. D and I are going down to the shore this weekend and I really want to take some awesome sunset shots. I borrowed Mari's tripod, but I would like to learn how to actually use my camera other than in Automatic Mode.

Struggling to breathe

2007-05-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

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We didn't end up going out to the Jameson party last night. We were hanging out at home having some beer and we realized that neither one of us was all that excited to go out. I think we were each planning on going since several of our friends were to attend, but a few ended up having homework, two took a later flight home from LA, one was in NYC and the other got called into work...that reduced our "posse" to just the two of us, and we weren't that keen on going out. So we went for a walk and got some heavenly gelato, (of which I have a photo but I forgot to bring in my camera--will post later) came home and watched the '48 hours' marathon that D had DVR'ed for me. I really think that I need to watch less Crime television. I love it and like trying to figure out these mysteries, but when I am home alone I become concerned that someone is going to break in, kill me and hide my body in an oil drum. (what? That is a totally reasonable fear!!!)

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Trying to sort out all the stuff for my travels home is starting to really weigh on me. As I have mentioned before my typical MO in life is to procrastinate until the last minute hoping that magically someone else manages to get all my work done and I don't have to do it. I have learned that it is one of the worst coping mechanisms for my personality but I can't seem to escape from it. So instead of making decisions and sorting things out from the start, which I am told would be a bit stressful but then everything would be done, I wait til the last minute. Stressing the entire time and then having more last minute stress. How many times can I say stress in this post? I have to look into the Family Medical Leave Act today so that I can at least leave my options open. If I do decide to move back here in August it would be nice to know I have my job waiting, and FMLA also would allow me to keep my health insurance while I am gone. I don't care so much about it for me, but it would give D some more leeway before he has to figure it out. Pre-existing conditions SUCK. I also have to go talk to my immigration lawyer and get some information from her about moving home. I can leave the country for 90 days without it being seen as me abandoning my petition for residency, but I need to know if I can just leave or if I have to let homeland security know first. It really isn't that much to do I guess but for some reason when I think about doing it I just start freaking out so I decide to do something less constructive instead (like watch a '48 hours' marathon). I just feel so overwhelmed with my feelings as well as what I have to do but I feel like the one person I really want to talk to about all of this is also the one person I am hurting the most.

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Just talked to my Nana who is 85 and had her hip replaced just over a week ago. The hospital wants to discharge her in two days and she still can't walk or really move. She lives alone and is pretty nervous about the impending discharge. They just informed her that she doesn't qualify for home care and even though a wheelchair won't fit through the doors in her apartment it's too bad. What the heck is she supposed to do? Thankfully her daughter is there and trying to sort things out but I just feel terrible about it. What are old people supposed to do in these situations? What if she didn't have someone there to help sort things out? My Aunt has to work and so she can't stay with her and my Nana can't move up to her house as it is full of stairs. I really hope that they can come home finagle her some in home care.

Finally

2007-04-30T16:00:00.000-04:00

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It's 4pm. I get to go home in an hour. Amen. Not sure why but I have felt like day of the living dead all day. Just feel a bit detached from everything around me. CANNOT wait to go home for the night. My boss announced to my department today in a meeting that I am leaving. Starting to feel a lot more real and it's really scary. This was my first job out of university and while I am excited for the changes to come sometimes the familiar no matter how mundane is still safe. Heading home at 5 to hit the treadmill and then we are going to a Jameson's sponsored 'Bartender's Ball' tonight. Will hopefully have pics tomorrow.

I've been tagged!!!

2007-04-29T13:25:00.000-04:00

oooh, this is exciting for me, my first tag for a meme! Rebecca tagged me for a "why do I blog" meme. This is making me think cause to be honest I don't really know.

~I am still searching for my writing voice and I think that if I keep writing I can find it

~I have kept a journal since I was 11 and now that I am on a computer more than I am home with a journal this is a way of recording what is going on with me.

~Meet new people. I have "met" some really cool new internet friends through writing.

~Something constructive to do while I am not busy at work. I need to be on the computer and at least look busy all day...blogging lets me do that :)

I think I have to tag SWO with this now :)

Tragically Hip

2007-04-29T00:09:00.001-04:00

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D took me out to see the Tragically Hip (my fave Canadian Band)last night. When we got there I was completely surprised to find out that it was sold out! While the Hip have a huge following in Canada I really didn't think that many people in the US would know who they were. It was so homey to me to see how many Canadians were in attendance. Many people were wearing 'Roots' gear or baseball hats repping Canadian Universities. It was nice to see that other people in this area who are from Canada are also looking to connect with other Canadians. I had such a surge of home pride to see some people waving the Maple Leaf in the front row. The show was awesome and I am so happy that I finally saw them live.

The boys!

The Venue

David never really liked them before when I have played songs for him; he thought that they sounded a bit whiny. Last night he claimed to really enjoy it and even though it was about 95 degrees at the TLA we had a great time. Since I am trying to be better about saving money lately I decided not to buy their latest CD. As a delightful surprise when we left the venue D pulled an autographed copy out of his pocket! It was a lovely surprise and as soon as I got home it went on my Ipod.

The Secret

2007-04-27T15:23:00.000-04:00

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I mentioned the other day that I have been reading The Secret by Rhonds Byrne.I think a lot of people see it as amazing and life changing or on the polar opposite as super hokey. I am sort of in the middle, but everyone can use positive thinking in their life for the better. I can see how the law of attraction might work and I have seen things like this come into play in my life before. One part of the book states to just write down what you want and start being positive about it and it will work--these are the things I will have:

1) a nice, cute house

2) a fulfilling, good paying job

3) a nice well behaved dog

4) a cottage

5) time in my life for friends, family and my hobbies

These are my focuses for now...let's see how I make out

It's Friday, you ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do

2007-04-27T15:08:00.000-04:00

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I had really odd dreams early this morning. First one I was at an Ice cream shop with my hubby and I was just leaning over the counter to see the flavours as I didn’t have my glasses on and couldn’t read from the line. An old woman came over to me and started screaming at me that I was trying to steal her turn which was next. I kept calming trying to explain to her and she wouldn’t listen…I suddenly got very aggressive with her and started screaming. (this is VERY un-me. I rarely yell or get that confrontational with anyone) I woke up all frustrated and had to pee. Came back to bed and queue my next dream: I am walking with Justin Timberlake as he gives a tour of his old neighborhood…and we proceed to get in a fight about Britney Spears. I think I have to stop eating before I go to bed!

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When I left my house this morning I had such an intense sense of Déjà vu. It was completely sound and smell related, but it was very overwhelming. When I was little we used to spend our summers in Muskoka at our cottage. I remember waking up in the mornings from my bedroom in the attic listening to the rain bouncing off the roof and feeling so safe and secure. My brothers and I would play yahtzee or monopoly, sometimes we would snuggle up in the glassed in sunroom to read old comic books. Watching the rain bounce off the water and When we wanted to go out my Mum would deck us out in cottage rain gear that always seemed to be a size to big and eternally musty. It was just such a nice flash back to that time as I put on my bright yellow rain jacket this morning. Listening to the rain hitting my umbrella. Then I realized that it was starting to absolutely pour and I still have no rainboots! I got to work soaked from my shoes up to my knees. I took my shoes off to dry them in front of Mari's heater, but because they are so old and smelly I think the wet dragged the stink into my socks and my desk area has remained foul feet smelling today. To be absolutely descriptive, it reminds me of the stink of old hockey equipment (my brothers would leave theirs out in the basement between games.)

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Tonight we are going to see Jon Stewart do his stand up at the Tower theatre. Should be a good time. We are taking D's parents and heading up to Upper Darby after work. Then I think I have to clean when we get home cause our apartment is really starting to get dumpy again. I don't know why, but I rule at being clean for a few days and then slowly but surely I get overwhelmed again and start leaving my clothes on the floor, not putting away dishes etc and then before I know it I am surrounded with junk. I think the worst thing is paper. D never will throw away junk mail, bills etc they just sit around and collect dust. We even get coupons to places we never go and he keeps them "just in case" I on the other hand am a scrapbooker so I continually keep movie tickets things I cut out of the Metro and I don't organize them at all so they threaten to take over my life. I need to stop being so messy!

Late night musings

2007-04-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

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Just got in from seeing Kurt Rosenwinkel's Jazz quartet play at Chris' Jazz Cafe. Good times. Dinner was expensive and mediocre, but the music and company was great. I am currently sitting on the couch watching D pace back and forth while on the phone. His pace radius is 5-6 steps in each direction followed by a pivot once he gets as far as he wants to go. I have never actually counted his paces before but he has been on the phone for a while and as I am typing I keep seeing him pop back in and out of my field of view. I have actually never noticed before how intently he must pace the entire time he is on the phone....Now we are just hanging out watching our Tivoed CSI from this evening. We have a bad habit of DVRing lots of shows and never watching them so as we are at 97% full we have to stay up a wee bit tonight to watch some stuff. How sad is that?

Statistics

2007-04-26T09:09:00.000-04:00

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D and I watched Night at the Museum last night and didn't make it to watch all our Tivoed shows which means that I DONT KNOW WHO GOT VOTED OFF IDOL. I am tryin to figure out the probability of me making it through the day at work (with all the internet surfing I do) without finding out. Crap.

Broken Heat Wave

2007-04-25T14:05:00.000-04:00

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Amen to that! Last night was the first really comfortable sleep I have had since Friday. Sweet! It cooled down just enough so that our bedroom managed to be cool and comfy. It was really nice to wake up not covered in sweat this morning. I don't know what it is about the heat but I turn into a psychotic crabby person who literally could cry at the drop of a hat. It is embarrassing to hear myself whining to D regarding a situation out of his control. He bought us another fan that is high powered without sounding like a lawnmower. The larger one we had was awesome at cooling down our room but it would then keep me awake with it's less than zen fan hum.

:::

It's a good thing that I am able to sleep again cause from tomorrow til next Monday we have plans for every night! Tomorrow night we are going to Chris' Jazz Cafe to hear our good friend's brother play some jazz. I haven't heard him before but when I googled him I saw tons of great reviews online so I think it should be fun. We are meeting up with our friend as well as another couple we are friends with and doing dinner then the show should be great. Friday night we are going to see Jon Stewart do a stand up at a local theatre. Saturday D got us tickets to see Tragically Hip (a kick ass Canadian band that I love) Sunday we are going to the Phillies game with a big group of people and Monday night we are going to a Jameson sponsored Bartenders ball. This means that on Tuesday I will be going to bed about 6pm. We do like to have things going on and it's fun that at this stage in our lives we don't have the responsibilities that tie us down and not let us go out for 5 nights in a row, but it still makes me feel bad that I sometimes am a fan of being a homebody. I know one day I will be begging to be able to go out for a few nights in a row, but right now I am content spending several nights a week just at home doing nothing.

:::

I have a strange confession to make: I buy baby clothes. I have since I was about 20 and I do not know why. Luckily D doesn't think it is too insane or symptomatic of "baby fever". Today at lunch I was at the Gap outlet with a coworker who needed new onesies for her little son. They were selling ADORABLE jammies and outfits for $2.99...how could I not pick up a few things?! I tell myself that this way they will be all ready for when my several pregnant friends have babies I can have gifts that I got on the cheap all set for them...however I have already about 4 things of baby clothes at home that were set aside to give as gifts that I can't seem to part with. Is that really weird?

This and that/Work and life

2007-04-24T13:45:00.000-04:00

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For the past two weeks at work we have been doing a really repetitive, tedious work. We are adding custom fields to really long word documents and adding on average 30 hyperlinks in to the document. While yes it is easy it just becomes sort of mind numbing really quickly…and I lose all notion of paying attention and then I start playing online and reading blogs. I think I am going to make a career switch and start looking for employment in the field of blog location and recommendation. I wonder what the starting salary would be for that. I suspect that the powers that be would not be thrilled knowing that I take mini breaks throughout the day to work on my blog posting and to read many others. While it is very beneficial for my mental health, I am sure it’s not awesome for my work productivity. I have been trying to be more positive about my job lately as I have spent a lot of time in the past few years cursing it out to friends and family alike. I have often thought that if I had a job I liked or that was maybe less monotonous, I wouldn’t be searching for outside stimuli for the duration of my 8 hours.

:::

While I think I seem to be really good at hiding it most of the time, I keep feeling like I am drowning lately and I can’t seem to fix it. I hate being the sad spazzy person and I have been working really hard to be more positive and upbeat to attract more positive things in to my life, but with all the changes I have coming up I just feel like I can’t keep my head above water. It’s scary to feel like I am going crazy all the time. I keep doing my now perfected procrastination routine in the hopes that magically all my shit gets sorted out and I don’t actually have to make any real decisions about anything. My decision to move back to Canada is likely a really selfish one. And I feel like it's hard being selfish when you are married. However a lot of what I have done in the past three years has been in my husband's best interest but it is nothing that I wouldn't do again in a heartbeat. I just feel like I can't explain to him that I am not leaving him I just need to go be by myself, spending some time with my family and getting things sorted out in my mind. For so long I relied on him to make me happy and felt frustrated when he wasn't able. I have figured out though that it is really not his job to make me happy, it is my job to make myself happy. How can I tell him how to help me when I don't even know what I need right now? The whole situation seems really messed up and I feel like no one understands thus making me feel really alone. I hate that I am hurting someone I love so much and I just wish that I could not have to deal with any of this and it would just all some how work out.

Magic Invention (hopefully)

2007-04-24T13:35:00.000-04:00

At lunch I bought this Blister stick that was recommended by a friend. He claimed that it’s amazing for running shoes but D suggested that it would help me not develop blisters from my cute shoes collection. He cannot believe how many pairs of shoes I buy to complain after every one about the new location of blister that the shoe gave me. I haven’t tried this stuff yet, but I am going to have a go with it before wearing cute shoes to work tomorrow. I really hope this works cause it would be awesome to wear fun shoes without my feet looking like bloodied stumps.

Meme Monday

2007-04-23T16:02:00.000-04:00

Because I am a total narcissist, when I stumbled upon Chirky doing another 5 question meme I hopped on the bandwagon. I think these things are much easier for those people who only have about 3 people who read their blogs cause then I don’t get inundated with people asking me for questions ;)

You must move to either Tokyo or Helsinki. Which one and why?
● I would have to say Tokyo. This is a hard question as I want to travel everywhere, but I think the Japanese culture appeals to me a lot. I would love to just hang out downtown Tokyo and take lots of Photos. Hopefully absorb the Japanese work ethic through osmosis. I also really like some of the fun fashion and electronics in Japan so I think the crazy busy hubbub of Tokyo would be fun to shop in. Also since my main pleasure in life is often derived from people watching I think Tokyo would be really intense for that.

What is your favorite state fair-type food?
● Hands down I have to say Funnel Cake. This love affair goes way back to my younger days with a mother who was not a big fan of feeding her children junk. So to be able to eat fried! Dough! with icing sugar! And fake fruity goo! It was pretty much a little taste of heaven on earth. Now when I eat it I still delight in knowing just how bad it is for me, but I get more annoyed with the icing sugar that I tend to get all over my face and clothing. Now I want funnel cake….curse you Chirky ;)

For a million dollars, would you let a man, with extremely offensive body odor (EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE), lick your chest for an hour?
● Ok…this one really depends. Do I get nose plugs? Can I have a friend there for emotional support? Honestly as much as I would LOVE a million dollars, of all my senses I think my olfactory organs are the most highly in tuned to my surroundings. And should someone really nastily smelling be all upon me I would likely be sick and thus making the situation that much more unbearable. This question has actually really got to me…I want to be the moral person with a strong distaste for foul body odor, but a part of me really wants a million dollars…I could always shower for a day afterwards. With that big payout I would have no problem paying an overly large water bill that month.

Donuts or pancakes?
● I am going to have to go with Donuts. I find that often pancakes are really dry and heavy and sometimes just not that tasty. I will be honest and say that I have never met a donut I didn’t find delicious. Especially the ones that the Amish people at the Reading Terminal Market make. Those have about 500 calories per bite, but they just melt in your mouth as they are still warm and fresh off the fryer. Also something made by a cute little lady in old fashioned looking clothes just has to taste good right?

What do you find most attractive about the opposite sex?
● Humm...just about everything? I am really into eyes and lips I would say. I really appreciate all of the male form to be honest but those are the two features I notice first when I meet a man. I feel that you can tell a lot about their personality by that. I love men with big full lips are kind eyes. If they have those and good taste in cologne I am done for.

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I just got back from a lovely lunch with Meags. We just hit up Ruby Tuesdays so it sure wasn’t the food, but the company was lovely. There really is no substitution for an old friend. We haven’t seen much of each other in the past three years, but there are those people who when you see again, you just pick up like it never had a break. I have been really self involved for the last few months so it’s nice to have such a great friend around to pick you up out of your funk.

:::

We had a really lovely weekend. Nothing crazy, just walking around in the gorgeous weather but it just felt so nice to be outside! We didn’t make it to the Turkish place cause Meags and Brian were stuck in traffic for about 2 hours on the Jersey Turnpike so we weren’t sure about a reservation etc, so we just went to our usual haunt and had some Saturday night Happy Hour specials which were great. There just seems something so promising about a weekend with near perfect weather. The only issue with this time of year is that the a/c hasn’t been turned on our apartment is sauna-esque at the moment. Due to a stupid planning error by whoever built our apartment, the windows in our bedroom do not open. We are in a loft style place so all the heat rises and our room is thick with heat. Last night we had all the fans on but it was still near unbearable. It is that kind of gross sticky heat where you are both lying on top of the sheets and covers wearing as minimal pajama coverage as you are comfortable with, barely wanting to look at each other so as not to disturb the heat ratio. We are snuggly sleepers. We both fall asleep best all cuddled up with our legs entwined. I don’t know why but D is my sleeping security blanket and I sleep best when at least one part of me is touching him. Last night I was too hot to even have toes touching. Hurray for May 1st as it brings with it the promise of the building turning on the air!

Sunny Saturday

2007-04-21T16:15:00.000-04:00

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It's gorgeous out today! We went for a lovely walk to get smoothies this morning and are now attempting to power clean the apartment before Meagan and her boyfriend arrive. Not that we are slobs, but the bathrooms have needed cleaning for a while...perfect excuse.

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Also thought that after my complaining yesterday I should note that I managed to sit down last night and read an entire Jodi Picoult book!!!!! Her stories are so fascinating with random twists and turns...but hurray in 3 hours I read an entire one.

A case of the Fridays

2007-04-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

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I do not want to do any work today. This is generally my thought most other days as well, but for some reason I am just having a really hard time getting the ball rolling into "work mode" today. This is a bit problematic as it is 2:15 and I really don't have a lot to show for the time I have spent here today. I actually spent about 30 minutes or more this morning on this Disney site making myself a fairy. Why you ask? I don't know to be honest! Although now I have two fairies that exist in Disney land and I don't really know what to do with them. However it was a great way to spend some time.

:::

I met D for lunch today at 1 Liberty which is the local mini mall in Center City. We had some ChikFilA for lunch and headed to the Borders Express so I could pick up a book. I ended up picking up 4. I have developed some form of readers ADD lately. I used to be a person who could never put a book down half way and pick something else up. This has changed in the past few months and I don't know why! I am currently reading "The Remainder" "Brief history of the Dead" "Seat of the Soul" and am about to start "The Secret" tonight! What the heck? I used to spend hours reading and would get through a book in a few sittings. Now the only time I seem to read is when I am home alone or travelling (neither of which is a common occurance) So I think I just have developed a super short attention span for books...while maybe its good cause I am no longer reading things that don't grab my interest in the first two sentences, it's bad cause I am spending even more money than usual on books! I have also noticed a movement in the types of books I am reading. I am leaning pretty heavily on the self-help genre as of late. I used to find that really hokey and internally make fun of people who read those types of books, but lately I think it's helping me feel less depressed if I am reading things that are encouraging positive thinking.

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Another reason to feel wonderful and not want to be inside working? The weather today feels like spring! Everything in Philly has been so grey for the past 5 months that this beautiful, cloud free day seems like a tease when I can only experience it through my 12th floor cubicle window. This weekend is supposed to be beautiful as well which is such a blessing as my friend Meagan is coming down to visit for a few days. She was last here in the fall a few years ago and it rained the whole time so it would be really nice to get to show her the city in style. The current plan for her visit is Saturday night: try out a new Turkish restaurantDivan (I have never had turkish food...so let's hope for the best) and just hang out. She was one of the co-maid's of honour at my wedding and I haven't had the chance to spend much time with her since then so this will be nice. Also on Monday night we are going to hit up an all you can eat sushi place and then head to a local club venue that has $3 movie night on Mondays...this week it is "16 candles". That was my #1 sleepover movie choice for most of my adolescense so I think it should make for a good night. Have a great weekend everyone :)

Florida

2007-04-19T16:30:00.000-04:00

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Here I am with my cheeseball grin and trademark ridiculously large sunnies in sunny Coconut Grove Florida! We got in on Saturday around 2:30pm and headed from the airport to C.G to visit with some family that was spending the week there. Talk about a gorgeous hotel. I am standing on the pool deck in this photo and you could just see the ocean and the beautiful yahts in the background. It was such a welcome change from the grey cool weather we have been experiencing in Philadelphia lately. It was also a really fun opportunity to play with my newish camera.

We didn't get up to anything too crazy, but we just hung out, spent some time with D's grandma Pearl. We did get to go swimming twice, to the movies and out to eat at some tasty local restaurants. I am now completely enamoured with fried plantains.

Here is a photo of us with our kick ass new sunnies.

::: on an unrelated note--how does one line up photos in blogger so that they aren't all over the page and looking like crap?

Get questioned!

2007-04-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

While reading Stefanie's blog this week I decided to join in with her meme. It's fun and gives you something new to talk about! I have copied the following directions from her: If you want to play, too, just read and abide by the following:1. Leave me a comment (with your email address, if I don't already have it) saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. Do you have a favorite famous quote? (Is it the Oscar Wilde one in your header? :-) If not, what is it?)

Well my blog is named after a particularly favourite quote by Oscar Wilde, but to be honest I am a quote collector. Here are two more of my favourites
"May you build a ladder to the stars, and climb on every rung" Bob Dylan
“Definitions belong to the definers, not the defined” Toni Morrison

2. Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares?

Good question cause I have actually posted about this before! I frequently dream about a boy I went to elementary school with. I haven’t seen him since 1994 and I don’t really know where he is living now or what he is up to, but I dream about him about once a month. As for nightmares…I dream about my teeth falling out a fair bit, or being loose (post traumatic stress from 4 years of braces maybe?) I also dream about cockroaches every now and then. Barf.

3. What is the first thing you would do if you won two million dollars?

Pay off my student loan (lame) and then take a huge big fun trip with some friends. Wow doesn't that sound like a boring answer. I think I would just like to officially be out of debt before I went and did something crazy. I realize that 2 million isn't enough to retire on, but maybe I could rent a yagt with a hot cabana boy type and sail around the Mediterranean stopping in gorgeous ports to do some fun sunning, eating and shopping. I would love to just not have to worry. Pay off my Mum's house...that would be nice too! I always have these little dreams on the weeks that I buy a lotto ticket.

4. What is one thing that you are better at than most people are?

Being that I am most often very self deprecating this is a tough one to answer. Most people tell me that I am exceedingly nice and friendly even in situations where I would be best advised to be cranky and stubborn…maybe this relates to me always trying to see the good in others and in their actions. So I guess I would say that I am better than most people at looking for the best in people and being friendly.

5. What is one thing that you cannot do to save your life?

From the looks of this survey, reply to a question with only one answer ;) Also, anything other than simple math. This leads to embarrassing situations as it sometimes takes me a bit too long to calculate the proper tip or to figure out a percentage. Luckily D thinks its endearing that I sometimes have to stop and count in my head before putting things down to paper. Hopefully my kids don't inherit that! Also... I can't do anything with my hair other than put it in a ponytail. Whenever I have tried neat hairstyles in ths past I usualy end up combing it out and going back to the trusty ponytail in the end.

Taco Flavoured Kisses

2007-04-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

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It's 2:30 and I just got back from a lovely late lunch. My coworker and I decided that we had had enough so we went to the Mexican place on the corner and had some nachos and some beers for lunch. We waited til after 1pm to leave so we wouldnt be seen by anyone (although it's Friday and it seems that everyone in power is mysteriously working from home). So I am sitting at my desk, with no work to do and a bit of a buzz...how fun. I am making a mental list of everything I need to get in order and packed up tonight. D and I head to Ft. Lauderdale tomorrow to visit Grandma Pearl. She is the cutest, littlest old jewish lady you have ever seen in your life. I get a real kick out of seeing her as she shows me off to the other little old ladies who live in her community. This is looking like her last year down there for the winter so we wanted to make sure we visited her so that she got to have some company this year. She lives in Scranton normally and heads down south for the winter, but I think it's too far for her nowadays and she is really lonely now that her husband passed away.

BUT, on a more positive note--I am going to be spending 3.5 days chilling in Florida, hopefully taking some cool photos, swimming, shopping at the largest outlet mall I have ever seen and eating some good food. We only planned this vacation two weeks ago so this is just such a nice little mini-break for me! Looking forward to relaxing and attempting to tan these albino legs!

That burning sensation

2007-04-11T14:40:00.001-04:00

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I used a pharmacy-brand breathe right strip last night so that I could breathe while sleeping and it has left a sticky residue on my nose that nothing will seem to take off! I even used a small amount of nail polish remover, which was extremely painful due to my nose being raw from blowing it so much! Aren't I all about complaining. But there is a lesson to be taken away from this--> only use the real breathe right strips. This may come in handy to some as Allergy season is fast approaching.

:::

On a more serious note I talked to my boss today about me wanting to move back to Canada. I was hoping that there would be some sort of leave I could take, but unfortunately I am not really eligable for the Family Medical Leave act and there wasn't really anything else they could offer me. I am not as worried for myself, but the main reason I wanted to just take a leave was so that D could keep my health insurance. His diabeties makes the whole "pre-existing condtion" thing kinda tough to beat and it's hard and expensive for him to get it outside of work. Unfortunately his line of work doesn't really offer it so he is going to have to get a job somewhere like Starbucks or something part time just so that he can get medical care. It's too bad that he can't still be covered by his parents...(which seeing as he is 28 isn't all that surprising) but...it's a lot of pressure nonetheless to make sure that it doesn't lapse. Say what you want about socialized medicine system, but I don't think people in Canada have to make their lives revolve around whether or not they have/can get/can maintain their health benefits.

Big girl panties

2007-04-10T10:07:00.000-04:00

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Much to my delight, when D and I went to check the mail yesterday there was a card addressed to me! After reading it I had to bring it into work today and scan it. It really is a fun kick in the butt to the way I have been feeling lately. I am clearly really negative lately and I just need this pink haired lady to tell me what's up. I am not to clear on which of my undies are considered my big girl ones, but I think I just need to suck it up and decide what I am doing and go for it.

Lazy Sunday

2007-04-09T16:36:00.000-04:00

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Yesterday D and I celebrated Easter in a very traditional and special way. We snuggled on the couch watching nearly the entire first season of Arrested Development and ate pizza! I was going to try to go to church, and D had offered to go with me, but I just couldn’t get it together to go. That really is the epitome of laziness as I couldn’t get it together to dress nicely and walk the three blocks to the closest church…ha ha ha.
It was just really really nice to get to spend the day together doing nothing but catching up on naps and snuggles and random TV shows. I love renting shows on DVD cause then you can just watch as the series unfolds and not just wait to go week to week. Again, lazy.

:::

Tonight we are finishing off our taxes and doing dinner with D's mom. We are going to one of my fave beer joints/restaurants, but it is almost always jam packed so I am hoping for the best that we can just get a seat as I am dying for their sour octopus (sounds gross but is delightful) I am also doing a phone training session with SWO’s mom tonight. She is getting certified to be a life coach and she needs to do her thing on one more person before she can do the test. HURRAY I am getting life coached tonight. wooooo

Slow moving Saturday Morning

2007-04-07T10:56:00.000-04:00

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D had to work this morning and while I am sad he has to work for a few hours on a Saturday, I must say it does feel nice for once having him getting up before me. He never has to be up before me during the week and rarely is he up at the same time as me, so I always head off to work as he is still all snuggled up in bed. I feel guilty admitting it, but...I did derive a sense of satisfaction to be able to fall back asleep when he left! Not too sure what we are up to today. We are completely busy every day for the next 4 weekends so we thought that this weekend we can do whatever we want...but that always leads to the cyclical conversation of "what do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" I think we are going to go to a museum and out to lunch. No idea about tonight. I feel bad cause I have always been kind of a homebody. I sometimes get a bit of social anxiety so I have a hard time going out, and also for the past 6 months I just tend to get upset and want to cry at the drop of a hat. When D and I met he was big into going out and I think I have turned him into a hermit. At least during the week, but I also sometimes just like to hang out at home on the weekend nights too--which while cheaper can get boring I guess since we do it Mon-Fri anyway.

:::

I just realized as I have been writing that I didn't notice the date in early April and I never mentioned anything for my Dad's 7 month passing mark. These are the things that scare me. I am amazing with the guilt I can feel for not thinking about him every day. I just don't want to forget things about him so much...even how long it has been since he died. I think I have to move through the guilt cause I know he wouldnt want me feeling like that at all.

T G I Good Friday

2007-04-06T10:13:00.001-04:00

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It's a quiet lonely day at work today as a lot of people are out and all my friends from back home have the day off work. Alas I actually have to get some work done today! I still have minimal motivation (which seems to be the norm as of late) but I have to get some stuff done. I am still hoping that we can skidaddle early this afternoon. Tonight D and I are going to see Spamalot and I am really excited to get dressed up and hit up a play. We don't get to see shows that often, and since I bought tickets for this back in October, I can definitely say I have been looking forward to it for months!

:::
Last night we went to an incredible restaurant Waterworks to celebrate D's cousin's birthday. I drank about half a bottle of wine and some port so I was feeling very nice by the time we left. We had DVR'ed CSI, so we attempted to watch it when we got home, but apparently we both fell asleep at the same point and woke up to "stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode" Neither of us knew who did it so we are going to have to go for round two tonight. I think that drinking before I go to bed does not help with my sleeping issues. I seem to pass out easily but then wake up as early as usual but am just really out of it. I don't think I get into a deep enough sleep.

:::
I discovered a fun new blog today. I have been really getting into photo blogs as of late and I really want to make mine snazzier and better formatted to share some of the photos I have been taking lately. But I digress: sweep the sunshine is the blog I was talking about. She wrote a really nice piece about "Ubuntu". Which can be defined as “The belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity.” Desmond Tutu explained it this way:
"A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed. "
I really liked the idea of that. I think perhaps I have been reading too many self help books or something lately but I am really trying to feel more connected as a whole.

Wacky Weekday Weather

2007-04-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

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My love for alliteration took over any sense I had about what to name today's post...I feel like such an old woman discussing the weather even though there are way more exciting things going on, but I am not good at waking up on time in the mornings with enough minutes to spare to check the weather. So like an idiot I tend to assume that since it's been so nice out lately that it will likely also be nice out today...not so much. I wish I had packed a scarf cause I was freezing in my spring jacket this morning.

:::

I have realized this week that I am a hypocrite. I get angry with D when he cannot answer questions I pose to him about Judiasm, yet he asked me questions about Easter that I could not remember. I used to go to Sunday school a lot when I was younger and actually do know the answers, but I couldn't remember exactly what Palm Sunday was...I remembered we used to make crosses from palm leaves, but I wasn't sure why. I have been at a strange place with my religious beliefs in the past few years. When I was younger I believed wholeheartedly. I just had faith. But as I have aged I think I have become more cynical and unsure. But I still feel like it's important to at least be more aware of the fundamentals of my religion, so I googled Good Friday and Palm Sunday and now I feel better that I can remember why this is such an important holiday.

Blur

2007-04-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

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This is a photo that D took of me the other day while we were riding in the back of the car. It feels very symbolic to me at the moment--there is me looking and only seeing things passing in a blur. I just feel so confused in my life lately and I don't know how to get back to clarity. I have been talking about moving back to Canada. Not to leave D marital wise, but just for some space. I am not happy right now with my job, or just in general. I feel like D and I rely on each other too much for our happiness but I think that we need to figure out how to make ourselves happy. I have been trying to figure out a way to talk to him about this in a manner that didn't seem like I am trying to get a divorce...a few of our conversations went well, but then when I tried to explain it to him further today I think I just hurt him more. He feels like "space" is something people want when they are starting divorce proceedings. The problem is that we both have a lot of baggage right now and I just thought that maybe if we could work through it on our own we would be able to get back together after a wee bit of space and be stronger than ever. I just feel that for a little while I need to be on my own. Get my shit figured out while giving him time to figure out hiw own. Neither one of us is able to support each other in the way we need right now and I just need some "me" time....not "planning on divorcing my hubby time" but "figuring out how to be happy with myself time" Does this make sense? Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

Lazy Sunday

2007-04-03T11:50:00.000-04:00

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Sunday was the least productive day I have had in months and you know what? I LOVED IT. D's back wasn't feeling all that great and the only position he seemed to be comfy in was lying on his back in bed, so we dug out all the old VHS movies we have at the apartment (we only have a VCR upstairs). We enjoyed such gems as "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "The Mummy Returns" and "The Scorpion King", which by strange coincidence was on USA network when we finished watching the Mummy. Usually I have been getting really riled up lately about wanting to be motivated and get stuff done on the weekends; a residual effect from having my Mum here helping me organize...but this Sunday it was just so nice to eat snacks in bed and watch movies and not feel like it was the end of the world if I accomplished nothing.

Happy Birthday

2007-03-29T10:46:00.000-04:00

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Today my Dad would have turned 66. One of his favourite things is white flowers, so on my way into work I stopped at the cute Japanese flower sellers on 17th street. I couldn't tell what the man was saying as to the name of the flowers, but my friend Mari tells me that in Japan they are called "Kiku" or spider mums. So I have two pretty little white flowers sitting in a coffee cup on my desk which is the best way I can think of to show my Dad that I am thinking about him today. D offered to take me out to dinner, and we also have an invite to go out with a group of friends to eat. I feel like such a recluse lately, but I just seem to get really overwhelmed in a large group of people. It some how makes me feel more lonely and sad. Does that make any sense?

My parent's wedding song just came on my Ipod. (which I found last night buried under a pile of crap on D's weight bench) It was with great pomp and circumstance that I paraded it around the apartment. I know it likely sounds hokey but i really do feel like my Dad sometimes puts songs on the radio on randomly on my shuffle that I need to hear. He played Paul Simons "Father and Daughter" for me one day when I needed it the most...I just miss him so much sometimes and days like this I just still feel so angry and sad and heartbroken at the same time that I just don't know how to make myself feel better.

...or sharks?

2007-03-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

Last week which watching Criminal Minds D and I developed a new game. The premise is really simple and while it likely seemed more amusing to us as we had had some drinks at this point, we have continued to play it all week and its still thought provoking and fun. What you do is in any situation ask "that or sharks?" This started during Criminal Minds cause a woman was purposely trapped in her house and the bad guy started a fire. So we said "oooh man, would you rather have that happen or be eaten by sharks?" So now whenever there is some unpleasant situation on the TV or news we have been discussing which would be better.... Any one have any situations to add? One other one I can think of was being torn in half by two 18-wheelers from that stupid movie that was out recently... The one with Sean Bean as a hitch hiker...

Morning Madness

2007-03-28T10:50:00.000-04:00

:::
For the past few weeks I seem to have a really bad “get the heck out of bed” thing going on in the mornings. My alarm goes off and in my sleeplike state I manage to convince myself to set the alarm for significantly later and reassure my brain that I can get ready and leave the house in 10 minutes…As I am rushing around the house trying to avoid yelling naughty words I realize that no…I can not get ready to leave in 10 minutes, and I need to remember that for the following morning. But I don’t and the crazy morning dance starts again with the first notes of my alarm the following day.

:::
On an unrelated note—I am wearing blue suede shoes/heels today…and to paraphrase Elvis, I stepped on my own blue suede shoes and now they are scuffed. boo.

Magnificent Mail

2007-03-26T16:59:00.000-04:00

When I come in from work and see packages on top of the mail boxes I get really excited and hope that one is for me. Sometimes they are, usually not....but there is still that moment when I let myself get excited and hope that they are. I have had fleeting thoughts of taking boxes from Amazon addressed to others...I just want to have the brief thrill of opening them to see what someone got, but then it would make returning the item quite awkward. "Um hi...this package is for you...I know that our names are nothing alike and we live on different floors, I am just super nosy"

My MSN messenger names this week

2007-03-23T10:39:00.000-04:00

~Shamrocks and Shenanigans

~Happy Birthday Liz

~The First Mimzy

~I wrote a song about it wana hear it here it go

I use messenger almost daily as a random outlet for my one sentence creativity. Ha ha what a dork.

More favourite things (and an 'Ode')

2007-03-22T11:22:00.000-04:00

MultiGrain Cheerios--On occasion my father in law brings us groceries. There were in his grocery goodie bag last week, and since I started running out of other cereal I decided to give these a try. I worried that they would end up just being too blah since I know that normal cheerios don't have that much of a taste. I was delightfully surprised as these are lightly sweetened but are still a really healthy alternative in the world of breakfast cereal. Hurray General Mills you have done it again!

Criminal Minds--I am so in love with this show. Sometimes the crimes are pretty gross, but I love hearing the reasoning behind why some people are bat shit crazy. I have really enjoyed CSI for the past few years, but I love how this show explains some of the psychology behind criminal behaviour. Also I love how Mandy Patikin played the guy seeking revenge in the Princess Bride (my fave childhood movie)

Audrey Tatou--I have been watching a lot of French films lately in an effort to practice my French. I don't know if it's actually working or not, but it is fun to be exposed to movies I wouldn't have watched normally. I had seen Amelie a few years ago and LOVED it and Audrey, but now watching her in other films, she is just as adorable in all her roles. Granted some aren't as funny, but she just brings something so beautiful with her into her movies (no comment re. The Da Vinci Code though)

:::
Ode to my missing Ipod

Oh Ipod how I love you
your gossamer screen of wonder
your shiny ebony body
those annoyingly uncomfortably earbuds
The white cord identifying me as a sellout to Apple
nonetheless:since you have been gone my life is less musical
please return from where you absconded
I miss youlike the desert misses the rain
(and various other cliches from 90s club songs)
come back to me little Nano
and i promise
never to let you stray again.

AOA (Adult Onset Acronyms)

2007-03-21T14:18:00.000-04:00

:::
I have been a bit of a self-diagnoser for a while now. Why go to a doctor when I CLEARLY know what is wrong with me. duh. (this should be noted to be dripping with scarcasm) I have felt for a long time that I have attention issues, but they have seemed to get a lot worse lately. I am having the worst time paying attention at work and I just can't seem to focus on my job. Isn't that awful? I am going through it at home too in that I can't focus on one thing at a time so I have about half a dozen almost completed tasks on the go (laundry needs to be folded and put away, I cleaned the toilet but not the sink, I don't have enough groceries) I am concerned that I put my still unfound Ipod somewhere crazy like in a potted plant because my brain was addled about what I had to do.

To go along with this I have developed a strange form of OCD about some things. I have completely fixated on relearning French. I spent about 2 hours online yesterday looking for good movies in French to watch so I can get some more exposure that way, and I walked up to Barnes and Noble at lunch and got a "Ultimate French practice and Review" It seems weird to me that I can 100% fixate on something so random. Why is that? I don't know what brought this on but I am now almost obsessed. Not in a "stalk you and steal your garbage" way...but maybe "president of your fanclub" way. Eeek.

Thoughts for today

2007-03-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

:::
Impatient A$$

Dear guy who parked out front of my apartment at 5am and honked continuously for 15 mins,

Have you heard of a cell phone asshole? Obviously you were awake and trying to get someone’s attention, but it wasn’t mine. Next time if whomever you are picking up is taking their sweet time getting down to the car, use the call box or a cell phone so that you only wake up people in their apartment. I have a hard time sleeping lately and hearing your horn beep over and over starts my day off on more of a homicidal tone than anything else.

Sincerely,

A tenant on the 5th floor

:::
Last night we went out to the Continental for dinner. It’s a great restaurant that is pretty close to our apartment, but its one of the places where all alcoholic drinks cost at a minimum $9 and you don’t get free refills on your pop. The food prices themselves are pretty reasonable, but I just really felt like a glass of wine and I hate when it has to bump up the price of a meal by that much. I know I shouldn’t complain, cause its not like I NEEDED a drink last night, but I just wanted one and for some reason I found it frustrating that it was so much. Maybe I am just cheap and I usually only get a drink at the places where its about $6.00 a glass, but 9 bucks just seemed really unreasonable last night.

:::
I have been trying really hard lately to snap myself out of being so depressed. Really pushing myself to get on the treadmill has been hard, but I am finding it does help when I manage to do it. D borrowed the first few seasons of the Sopranos on DVD for us to watch while we exercise and that’s helpful too—before I know it 30 mins of me trekking along has passed. We were discussing it last night though and I realized I had done something wrong when I didn’t know what he was talking about. Turns out that I had started watching disk 1 of season two by mistake. I was wondering why I had no idea who the characters were or why there seemed to be minimal introduction. I think I will start over with season 1 tonight and hopefully figure out who is who!

Home Alone

2007-03-18T13:42:00.000-04:00

:::
Since D hasn't been working lately we have been at home together all the time. I am the kind of girl who thrives on some alone time. There is nothing specific I want to do but I relish in the thought of just being alone in my apartment, hanging out and doing my own thing. When he said last night that he was going to be spending the day at the Fox and the Hound watching NCAA with his Dad and some of his friends I secretly rejoiced! Alone time...hurray...but now I have all this time to myself and for once I don't know what to do. I put a load of laundry in (which doesnt scream fun alone time really now does it?) And I just put the kettle on to make a cup of coffee...i exercised this morning too, but all the things I think I will do when I am home alone (finally watch those French movies I borrowed, scrapbook etc) none of that seems appealing today. I did just start a new book so maybe I will max and relax and read. I will say that its really nice to be getting on with my day without Sports Centre as the back ground noise.

:::
St. Patty's day passed yet again without too much hooplah from me. We went to a pub yesterday had some beers, had some lunch and watched two NCAA games. I apparently can't drink anymore as I had a huge buzz as we stumbled through the snow back to our apartment. These are the things that indicate to me that I am getting old--I have 4 beers and am semi drunk, I was SO annoyed with all the super wasted college girls, and I managed to stay home for fear of braving the cold and didnt go back out. Lame.

:::
Still no sign of the Ipod. Pray for her safe return am starting to get worried!

Bipolar Weather

2007-03-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

:::
When I left my apartment yesterday morning it was 73 degrees…while walking home at 5pm the weather had dropped to about 43!! Today is it really cold and slushy snowing. I love Spring but this one extreme to the next is too much. Of course it’s supposed to stay cold and icky all weekend now L We are now getting sent home from work due to the weather.

:::
I have misplaced my Ipod. I hesitate to say “lost” cause I have just thought that I put it somewhere nonsensical within the apartment and will surely come across it sooner than later. However, it’s been over a week and I have checked all the usual places I absentmindedly put things and I can’t find it. I am not crazy addicted to it, but now that I am starting to exercise I made a kick ass play list in Itunes and I want to listen while I run!

Too much of a good (free) thing

2007-03-15T16:11:00.000-04:00

This morning from 10-12 with a cool coaster sized coupon, Starbucks was giving out free drip coffee. Normally I have a cup of coffee when I get in to work in the morning and drink water for the rest of the day but I decided, free is free right? So I went and got myself a free coffee...I have regretted it all afternoon as I have been suffering from some form of caffeine overdose. Clearly I am a girl who doesn't know her limits! My heart has been pounding and I keep feeling like I need to take really deep yoga-type breaths. How lame am I that I just overdose on coffee?!

:::

I have been trying really hard lately to motivate myself to get into shape. I have never really been that fit and I can always seem to make excuses to sit on the couch or read a good book instead of do anything active. BUT, last night I managed to get on the treadmill and power walk for just over 3 miles :) This is a big accomplishment for me as I usually give up WAY before then, so...yay me. Maybe this time I will actually get it together in time for swimsuit season.

This morning

2007-03-14T12:43:00.000-04:00

I think I am developing my mother’s insomnia in my old age. I am always awake at really strange and early hours of the morning. While she is smart and gets up and does something useful I lie there and try to get back to sleep. I always feel like I need those few extra hours of sleep yet even when I fall back asleep I seldom find it restful--this is when I have my strangest dreams. Case in point 4am this morning:

1) I was planning a sleepover with kid from Little Miss Sunshine. It was a BIG deal as she was supposed to be working on a movie yet she was coming to hang out with me.

2) I somehow knew that my Mum was about to have her wedding ring stolen from her work and I couldn't get in touch with her in time to stop it.

3) I was in some cool mall and kept trying to get in to the Baby Gap. My pregnant friend was with me and we wanted to get to the amazing sales in there, but whenever we walked through the door it turned into a grocery store and I couldn't find the way to get into Gap. We would walk back out the door and see where we were going, we would try to turn around, but would still end up in the market.

I think I need to just start getting up, making a cup of tea and reading or something. I just seem to wake up ready to face the day all stressed out from my weird dreams and thats not a good way to start the day!

RIP Ruby

2007-03-13T12:24:00.000-04:00

Alas...after D and I attemped some drastic lifesaving measures this past weekend they were to no avail. Our dearly beloved Betta fish Ruby died last night. :( I realize that she wasn't the most interactive of pets, but she was cool and we had her for a year (which far exceeds the lifespan of all other fishes we have had) so I am sad. We finally bought her a friend. He was a blue Beta fish named Aqua Man...he had his own little tank at the other end of the bookshelf, and is also a good fish (how does one define a fish as good...?) I feel a bit silly being bummed about the passing of a fish when there are way worse things going on, but what can ya do?

Ruby "the red Fish" Stargazer
Sometime in Feb 2006--March 11th 2007

Training makes for a loooong day

2007-03-06T12:10:00.000-05:00

I am in a training class all week at work. From 8-5 with my entire department (most of whom are sick and coughing a ton) I am in a conference room listening to training about automated testing. I am happy to be getting the training cause it will look great on my resume and its important to know, but I feel like I am developing low grade narcolepsy as I try to stay awake. Nothing screams "professional" like a colleague nodding her head trying to pry her eyes open. Sucks.

I have been really depressed the past two nights. It's an awful feeling and I can't really even explain why. I miss my Dad which seems to be the only constant in my life....I just don't really know what else is wrong. I feel like the things I find fun aren't interesting me and I just feel completely overwhelmed. D's back isn't better so I have been having to do everything around the house as well as work all day. I feel like I am sounding like a maryter, but sometimes I just am so tired that I don't want to do anything.

weather and toilets

2007-03-02T15:38:00.000-05:00

Today has been weird weather wise. It started off pouring rain this morning. The kind that is accompanied by a crazy wind that tries to fight you for control of your umbrella. I got to work mildly disheveled looking with soaking wet feet. Every time it rains I think “I need rain boots”. But after that thought I think no more of such a foolish investment until it rains again and I have to walk a mile to work through puddles…dur.

A question was brought up today at lunch and I thought I would ask here to see if anyone else would answer…when you are in a public bathroom what is your flushing protocol? Do you use your foot or your hand? I got yelled at by my boss when I said I used my foot. He said that he thought that was gross and rude…and yes it is, but I also have a bit of a germ thing and I don’t want to be touching the handle to be honest. If I am at a friends house or my house or somewhere really classy I use my hand or my hand covered in toilet paper, but when it’s a toilet that has the metal flusher thing…I have to use my foot…they somehow always seem moist and shiny and I just can’t bring myself to touch them with my hands. How do other people deal with this?

That boy again

2007-03-01T15:07:00.000-05:00

I dreamed about Sean again last night. my friend Melissa thinks that it may be just a relation between associating him with home, and the thought of home is comforting...interesting. For some reason lately I have been really into dreams and what they mean. Why the heck do I always dream of someone I haven't seen or heard from in 12 years?

Why mess with a good thing?

2007-03-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

D's friend Jeff came over last night to watch a movie with us. He is one of my favourite of the friends I inherited through marriage and really is the nicest guy ever. He patiently helped me troll through ebay to find a cool used phone so I didnt have to pay a ton for a new one. And in his infinite sweetness he was trying to help me put cool things on my phone (deemed cool by him not me) but apparently he had some switch turned on which turned my cell phone into his cell phone. It deleted my contacts, and uploaded all of his information to my phone. The cool ring tones that came with the phone have vanished along with the photos I have been happily snapping with it. He is also the kind of guy you can't be angry with, as he is just a bit spacey but doesn't do things intentionally to mess things up, but now my phone which i had been carefully setting up all week is now full of someone else's organizational info.

On an unrelated note I have become somewhat of a forager/hoarder lately at work. I don't know why I am doing it but it feels a bit strange. We have employees from other companies come visit and they bring us candy from the UK and I tend to hide it in my desk to save for a later date. It now turns out that 1) I am getting fat and 2) I may be contribute to the mouse problem that has developed since Christmas. How can I break myself from wanting to snack on crappy food all afternoon at work?

A few of my favourite things

2007-02-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

In my week away with my mum I discovered a few new things that have quickly made it to the list of my favourite things:

-Amplified MAC lipstick in 'Profusion' (Shade description: Extravagant rose (Amplified Creme) )

-Undies from American Eagle. The boy briefs and the hipsters are honestly the most comfy undies I have ever owned. They also have cute matching camis and tank tops. Excellent

-Kashi Autumn Wheat cereal. This is super tasty and now my afternoon snack of choice.

-Coach purses. I got one at the outlet in Delaware and now I am 100% totally in love with it

-Liquid eyeliner. I have used pencils since I started wearing makeup but I bravely tried some out last week and I really really like it. Only problem is that its water proof and I need to get some better eye makeup remover or else I will have it on my lids for eternity.

-The Sony Treo. I ordered this phone on the cheap from Ebay and wasn't sure what to expect. Honestly? I am in love! It is like a palm pilot and phone in one so my attempts to be more organized might actually work!!! I don't really know how to work it yet and I have to figure out the "hot sync" thing but I am hopeful that this will help me :)

-Facebook. Ok I dont even know why I like the thing so much but I am hooked. I found a girl I used to babysit about 10 years ago, the first boy I had a crush on and my long lost cousin...

Foiled Again

2007-02-16T11:51:00.000-05:00

I have some cute pictures to post and great things to write about my Valentines day surprise, my sadness that The OC is almost over and that my Mum is coming to visit for a week...but work has been really busy, crazy so in that I can't even make time to post (I can't believe work is getting in the way of my blogging and other online activities) And something wonky happened a few weeks ago with my laptop so I can't use any dropdown menus or select any buttons on the screen...so I can't post any photos or even select [Post] to post my blog from home. So this is my halfassed blog post for a while just to let people know I haven't died or run away...I am just having the universe working against me here...is that a sign?

5 months

2007-02-02T16:57:00.000-05:00

This Sunday it will be 5 months since my Dad died. As each month passes I get more and more worried that I am forgetting things. My mum said that all the clothes in his closet don't smell like him anymore. I am terrified to forget what that smell is. I sometimes am already straining to remember his laugh, and I am so scared that I will wake up one morning and it will be gone. Things in my life have been really stressful lately and I just wish I could call him up and have him listen to me. He always had a half laugh chuckle as he said "oh sweetheart" as I divulged all the crap that was weighing me down. I think I still keep getting hit with the finality of it all--every now and then I just think "ok, I have had enough you need to come back now" and it is as if I am opening a fresh wound as it comes back that forever means no more. I don't know why I thought that I would some how be over this by now--even as I am writing this my eyes are getting hot and the screen is blurring.

I try to just think of fun memories so that I can smile when I think of him instead of cry:

--him watching sports on Sundays just for the Eagles and the Bills scores so he could call D and my brothers to discuss the games with them. He didn't really even care about football he was a golf man.

--him buying me a Hilary Radley coat the first year we were a family as he was complete appalled that I was planning on wearing my ski coat over my dress to my high school winter formal.

--how he asked my brothers and I individually for our permission to propose to our Mum.

--how he never once said a bad word against my real father.

--how he would get so choked up with emotion when we did the smallest things for him.

--how he made sure my best friend had snow tires for her car cause that was SO important to him.

ok, at least I am smiling now.

Happy Groundhog Day

2007-02-02T11:41:00.000-05:00

What a weird holiday. Apparently this morning, PA's most famous groundhog "Phil" predicted that it would be an early spring. Seeing as we have barely had a winter I don't see that as a mindblowing prediction. It seems like a pointless holiday, meant for nothing more than reminding me that I love Bill Murray.

I had a hard time getting up this morning. My alarm went off and I just really really prayed that it was magically Saturday and I didn't have to get up. I didn't get much sleep last weekend due to the wedding madness, and I am really looking forward to one morning (tomorrow) when I can sleep past 7:00. I know that it isn't crazy early the time I have to get up, but I feel motivated in the mornings and I am hoping to just wake up tomorrow, do some reading, clean the bathroom as it's now almost at the "dont want my bare feet to touch the tile" stage, maybe finally take the three bags of clothes taking up room on my floor to the Salvation army to donate. Oh the possibilities are endless. Just sometimes not being at work makes all the difference. I think it has just been a long week. David's injuries from the car accident have seemed to get worse in the past few weeks. His neck is a lot better but his lower back is really hurting. It's unfortunately putting a strain on both of us as he is grumpy from being in constant pain and I just have a hard time being around him when he is so cranky. He doesn't mean to come across as mean and gruff, but when you are home and relaxing its difficult to be sharing a space with someone who is feeling so miserable. I am trying to work harder at being more supportive since he is in a lot of pain, but I just want my old husband back!

As lame as this is, last night while watching the OC I started getting a bit nostalgic, for the good old days. You know, when Ryan was still the boy from the wrong side of the tracks and Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper was still scheming up super evil ways to make everyone's lives miserable. Now there are just three episodes left. How did we come so far?! and why do I actually care it's ending?

On a way more exciting note--last weekend I bought a camera!!! My grandma wanted to give my brothers and I some money before she died so she could see that we could enjoy it now. (makes me nervous coming from an 89 year old woman) I have been wanting one for a while and I absolutely LOVE taking photos, so I bought a Nikon D40. I am going to figure out how to link Flickr to my blog so I can share all my super awesome photos with the internet :) Yesterday my friend Mari and I went out on our lunch break and took some fun photos of Philly. Well more so the immediate area around our office cause it was really cold out, but it was so much fun. If anyone has advice on F/ settings and aperture tricks I would be up for it as I am a slow learner.

The Marine

2007-01-30T15:46:00.000-05:00

Is it totally weird that I have been anxiously awaiting the DVD release of this movie? And that I actually let out a squeal of delight when D called this morning to tell me he got the last copy? I am sure the movie will not be remotely good, but I do love a good shoot 'em up, wrestle the bad guys into submission, save your wife type of movie. Oh and also I just want to look at John Cena. I actually watch Monday night Raw now just for him. And I cheer when he wins. What has happened to me? I don't really want him to talk, I just want to look at him. I am actually embarrassed that I am admitting to this!

"If Jesus loves me then why does my girlfriend have mouth herpes?"

2007-01-25T11:05:00.000-05:00

I get coldsores. I have had them all my life (Thanks Mum) They usually pop up when I am insanely stressed, or have got a sunburn on my face, or just to inconvenience me. When D and I first started dating, I got TWO at once. This had never happened before or since, but both sides of my lip were all swollen and disgusting. He has never had one before and was reading up online to find out how soon he would be able to kiss me again. After much research he uttered the words in my blog title. I laughed, he laughed...good times. Now whenever I get a coldsore we inevitably bring up Jesus and his love for me, D and mouth herpes.
I am in a wedding this Saturday as the matron of honour. I have been washing my face extra carefully with new face wash, and making sure that I had no zits and my skin looks awesome for this wedding. Thinking I am all set to go, yesterday at work that familar tingling settled in to my lips and low and behold no matter all the creams and preventative stuff I put on my lip last night, I woke up with a huge lip :( I have been slathering Abreva on it all morning but it just seems to be threatening to take over my face. I am so disappointed cause I dont really want to be immortalized in someones wedding photos with a disgusting lip. I may have to learn photoshop really well ;)

Today I feel like

2007-01-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

Last night D surprised me by scoring cheap tickets to see the musical “Edward Scissorhands”. When we got there we soon realized that it was a ballet and not a musical! I think he was surprised, but he stuck it out and actually ended up really liking it. It was nice to go out and do something fun other than hanging out at home and watching TV etc. That was definitely one thing that I do love about living in the city—we walked the 5 blocks to and from the theatre…and it was an option to go out last minute. Maybe I really am not in a rush to have a baby after all!

Today started off rather early with an obscure, and I am guessing wrong number text message. 4.16am the melodic tone of my “text message received” notification went off. “I still haven’t paid for those buckles yet" I'll suss it out tomorrow”...what the heck does that mean? The number was from overseas judging from the 001 and extra numbers at the end…I wrote back asking if it was my brother but they never replied. So that was kind of weird. I then had nightmares while I was trying to fall back asleep that I couldn’t use my arms. When my alarm went off I realized that both my arms were asleep as I had been laying on them. Duh.

(backup notes on the following paragraph: For Christmas my mum got me the thought-a-day “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” calendar. She used to get it for my Dad every year and he would always call me up with the thoughts of the day he thought would apply to me. Sometimes they are a bit obvious, but it’s nice to have something positive every day that reminds me of my Dad.) Today the thought was “What you Practice is what you become”. I kind of like it but it makes me realize that I need to practice some new things other than procrastinating. Mum always tells me that if I do something for 21 days it’s a habit (ie. Flossing, not leaving my clothes on the floor every night…) so I think I need to think of some good things to practice so that I can “become” them. What should they be?

On a related note I am involved in a game of psychological warfare with a girl I work with. She very much started it and is keeping it going, but I am too annoyed with her to actually confront her about it. The three of us used to hang out at work a lot until she started ignoring me and my other coworker. It stems back to a situation a month ago where we didn’t come to a happy hour. First of all, she didn’t know until that day whether or not it was going on, secondly it was pouring rain and crappy out. So we both decided not to come. And she hasn’t spoken to either one of us since. This happened one time before and she finally got around to talking about it and we got over it, but this time I just thought “what, are you ten”? And I don’t want to bother trying to repair our obviously flawed friendship. So it’s fun because I ran into her in the bathroom the other day and I knew she was waiting in the stall for me to leave cause she didn’t want to have to actively ignore me…so I took my time, talked to another woman who was in there, washed my hands slowly…and actually enjoyed doing it. I really am a nice friendly girl, but this woman is pissing me off. She can’t just talk to me about being upset that I missed her happy hour and its somehow better to lose two friends and fully ignore people (as in won’t even make eye contact with us). I feel like I should walk up to her and be the grownup and ask her what her problem is, but I think that since she feels she is somehow punishing me by not talking to me I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of appearing like I care. Am I being an idiot?

Right now...

2007-01-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

...I wish I was at home. Curled up in a ball on my bed covered in towels from the dryer. How is that for exactly what I want. I used to love it when my Mum would dump the drying on me and have me fold it. I would lie there until I had absorbed all of the heat before I would get up. I am chilly in my cubicle today and wish to be covered in warm towels.

Sean Kennedy and such

2007-01-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

This is my post from yesterday, I couldn't get on blogger to post it!

Winter has finally come to Philadelphia. This morning was the first time all season that my brisk walk to work didn’t have me arriving at work all sweaty under my coat (lovely image right?) People here seem to think that because I am Canadian I should be impervious to the cold…that is not the case. I am still trying to figure out how I can completely wrap my face up with my scarf and not fog my glasses up every time I exhale. It was really bright out this morning so I was bundled up really tight—hat down as far as it would go, sunglasses on and then big scarf wrapped around my neck and trying to cover my nose…it’s a good look for me, especially since my new years resolution of exercising all the time and eating healthy isn’t off to a great start…I had junk food ALL weekend and I haven’t exercised in 10 days!

Last night D and I went to see ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ with some friends. It was ok. I liked it cause I some how come out feeling cultured when I see a movie that has subtitles, but it focused a lot more on the Spanish civil war than on the cool Pan world. I think I was just expecting something different. Also the violence was kind of gross in some parts. I wouldn’t rent it again or anything, but it was definitely an interesting movie.

Two nights ago I had a dream about Sean again. This is SO strange—I went to grade school (until Grade 9 when I moved away) with a boy named Sean Kennedy. We weren’t particularly close or anything but he did come to some of my birthday parties. My one big memory of him is that his Mom came into our school in Grade 3 or 4 and told us about Hanukkah and we ate Latkes. But for no apparent reason, he features heavily in my dreams. Every now and then with some surprising regularity I have dreams about him. We are hanging out, or just talking and he is my best friend or else I find him somewhere and it’s a big reunion…I don’t know why at all and its so weird. I lost touch with all of the people that I went to school with when I was younger, so I have no idea why my subconscious has me to dream of him in particular…

10 minute writing exercise part 2

2007-01-10T15:55:00.000-05:00

This time we have to spend ten minute editing what we wrote in our first exercise:

I remember shortly after my Dad passed away being sure I was pregnant. I was waiting on a refill with my birth control and how careful were we really? My period had never been late before and it was already two weeks late. As a chronic worrier I was sure that was what it was. My husband pointed out that stress can affect this, but I was sure that wasn’t what it was.

My friend’s mom is a psychic and when I was hurting I called her to ask about my Dad. She asked me if I was pregnant and said if I wasn’t then, I would be soon…I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What a coincidence that I was worried about it and she said it bringing it closer to reality for me. I wondered, with Death comes new life, would that be what was necessary to carry my family through this time of sadness?

For two weeks I waited. Feeling more scared to get the test as I didn’t want to know for sure, I couldn’t handle knowing if it was real. Every day I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to be pregnant. Right now we have a tiny apartment and D doesn’t have a full time job …I do want a baby but not under these circumstances. I remember going to the bathroom every day anxiously awaiting a sign that I was not going to have a baby. I was too scared to tell my Mum, as she was dealing with enough then, what would she think if I was pregnant now too?

Worrying that I was pregnant now while married and in love was different than the times when I was younger that I was concerned…I remember Lisa and I having a “we’re not pregnant” party outside of school one afternoon, we had both been worried. It would have been way worse that time. This time it went back and forth—I want a baby with D, hopefully a little dark haired girl who looks like her mumma…or a little boy who looks like him. I want to relish in my pregnancy, dealing with all the crap together because look we have made a baby. I don’t want it to be like this. But I started to feel sick and wonder if its morning sickness or just mourning sickness.

I took an inconclusive pregnancy test and decided to go see the doctor. During the 40 minutes I was in his waiting room I read every parenting magazine in the office. There was a two week old baby sitting with his mum and I couldn’t stop staring…would that soon be me? His mewing cry startled me…all I could think of was sleepless nights and losing my job. I was called in and had to undress, I peed in a cup as the friendly nurse stuck the test strip in. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. Every possible eventuality passed through my mind. I remember being unsure how to feel when she told me that I wasn’t pregnant; that my period was just extremely late due to stress. I remember being relieved, I know I am not quite ready, but there was another part, big enough for me to take notice that was disappointed. I called my friend Nicole in tears on the way home. It was too many emotions in a short time. I know that one day I will have a baby when I am ready and it will be wonderful, being pregnant while dealing with my grieving wouldn’t have been the special experience I would want to remember it being.

I don’t know that I made this any better with the ten minute editing…

10 minute writing exercise

2007-01-10T15:17:00.000-05:00

I did my first 10 minute writing exercise today so I thought I would post it. It was from www.crazedparent.org The exercise was to start with "I remember"

I remember after my Dad died thinking I was pregnant. I was waiting on a refill with my birth control and how careful were we really? My friend’s mom is a psychic and when I was hurting I called her to ask about my Dad. She asked me if I was pregnant cause she thought if I wasn’t then, I would be soon…I couldn’t stop thinking about it. With Death comes new life, would that be what was necessary to carry my family through this time of sadness? Every day I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to be pregnant. Right now we have a tiny apartment and D doesn’t have a full time job and is trying to go back to school…I do want a baby but could it wait until it would be more of a blessing. I remember going to the bathroom every day anxiously awaiting my period. I was too scared to tell my Mum, she was dealing with enough then, what would she think if I was pregnant now too. Worrying that I was pregnant now while married and in love was different than the time in high school I worried too…I knew he wasn’t the right guy so that would have just been awful. This time it went back and forth—I want a baby with D, hopefully a little dark haired girl who looks like her mumma…or a little boy who looks like him. I want to relish in my pregnancy, dealing with all the crap together because look we have made something together. I don’t want it to be like this. But I start to feel sick and wonder if its morning sickness or just mourning sickness. I took an inconclusive pregnancy test and decided to go see the doctor. The 40 minutes I spent in his waiting room I read every parenting magazine that was in there. There was a two week old baby sitting with his mum and I couldn’t stop staring…would that soon be me. I was called in and had to undress, I peed in a cup and she stuck the test strip in. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I remember being unsure how to feel when she told me that I wasn’t pregnant. That my period was just really really late due to stress. I remember a huge part of me being relieved, I know I am not quite ready, but there was another part, big enough for me to take notice that was disappointed. I called my friend Nicole in tears on the way home. It was too many emotions in a short time. I know that one day I will have a baby when I am ready and it will be wonderful, being pregnant while dealing with my grieving wouldn’t have been the special experience I would want to remember it being.

MyTunes

2007-01-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my new Nano and my long walk to work I discovered some things this morning:

Song I most want to play air trumpet to—Would I lie to you by Eurythmics
Song I most want to play air drums to—Laid by James
Fun song to strut to—SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
Most unattractive guy I would love to have serenade me—Leonard Cohen
Song that makes me wish I didn't quit piano lessons—White Houses
by Vanessa Carlton
Cheesiest song I love to sing along to—Can’t stop loving you by Phil Collins
Most appropriate song for me to be walking to—Streets of Philadelphia
by Bruce Springsteen
Most romantic ghetto song—Take me as I am by Wyclef Jean
Song I feel I could/should have written—Night Swimming by R.E.M

On a related note—does anyone know if it’s possible to have two instances of Itunes on one computer? D and I both have Ipods now and I am having problems figuring out how to update mine.

The Good, The Bad and The Lucky

2007-01-07T18:59:00.000-05:00

THE GOOD--Stefanie of stefanie-says.blogspot.com sent me cool tech help so that I can add lists and other cool things to my blog. hurray. (just haven't sat down to play with it yet) but I am SO excited to try to make it work :)
--I went out for a 2 mile walk with my friend Deb on Saturday morning, see fun pics below. My legs were pretty sore but it was nice to see a different view of Philly. I always drive past these places but rarely am I able to stop and take pics. I took the Rocky one just for D. We were actually in the pub the night they filmed some scenes for the movie there. We had to leave to let them film, but it was still cool to be there...actually I think I blogged about that this time last year.

-Went shopping at Loehmanns with Maya and managed not to spend all my money, but did manage to score a pair of Juicy Coture cashmere pants for a measly $35.00. They were on sale from $325.00 so..it was foolish not to buy them. Also they could be known as the most comfy pants on the planet.

-Went out to brunch with a new friend I met while getting a manicure for New Years. Was nice, I had liquid french toast and she gave me some back issues of US weekly...this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

THE BAD- D and his dad were on their way down to DC to visit my brother in law. I am not 100% sure about the full details, but essentially, whilst in transit, they hit two cars, flew across 6 lanes of traffic, tried to brake, but that didn't seem to work and they ended up embedded in a store. Thankfully it was Sunday and the shop was closed so there was no one in it. The rental car they were driving is completely totalled.

THE LUCKY-Somehow neither one of them had any serious injuries. They both are really sore from where the seatbelts jammed into them, but nothing is broken. I cannot believe it. I am waiting to see pics of the accident that D took with his phone. He says that looking at them he still can't believe that he isn't more hurt. I guess I count as the lucky too in this instance cause I really couldn't deal with something happening to him right now. I am selfish yes, but I still need him as my rock and I can't have to take care of him, not right now at least. Good to know someone is watching over us .

Afternoon randoms

2007-01-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

-The glorious manicure I got on Sunday is finally starting to chip L ‘Lincoln Park After Dark’ by OPI is my new favourite nail colour. It’s a very rich purple that almost looks black. Usually I go light on my fingers because I am a wimp, but I have to say I have really enjoyed having cool looking nails all week. I will be sad tonight when I have to remove it.

- I just got off the phone with my best friend and we got to have a 15 min catch up conversation in the middle of the afternoon. Usually that doesn’t work as she is a teacher now so she isn’t around when I have free calling (what nerve huh?) When I was 18 she made me a CD that had the quote “when I find myself fading I realize my friends are my energy” (I think I just paraphrased that) but with certain friends it’s so true. I felt tired and blah until I spoke with her and now I am smiley and missing her and hoping she gets the mail I sent her soon. I really don’t think I would have survived the past 10 years without this girl!

- It’s pouring rain and about 50 degrees…it really doesn’t feel like January. I know I have said this in my last few posts, but it’s really bugging me. I know I shouldn’t really care as I can wear skirts to work etc. but it just doesn’t seem wintery. I want to be out taking pictures of the snow on the trees in Rittenhouse park, not wishing that Santa had brought me rain boots!

-I am so happy that its the weekend. For once I actually have a lot of plans and that usually doesn't happen. It feels good to finally have some girlfriends down here who call and try to make plans. I am going to Brunch on Sunday...how divine!

-D has been having a hard time coming to grips with being a grownup lately. I don't know what to tell him. I know what he is saying, but there isn't really a ways to fix it. He doesn't think its fair or right to have to work so much that we have no time for the really important things in life. Things we love, each other, our families, our hobbies. It is true that it stinks that we have to work so much, but if we were happy having a WAY less successful life then yes, we could work menial jobs occasionally and spend all our time together, but what would we be doing? constantly worrying about how we were gona pay for our kids to get shoes, etc. I hope he can manage to sort through these feelings cause its just how it is. I don't want to work all day and come home and not have time to scrapbook and read, and hang out with my friends, but there are things in life that have to come first to an extent. Is this the onset to an early mid life crisis?

Could have been the Willie Nelson/Could have been the wine

2007-01-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found out that The OC is being cancelled. Honestly? I really am upset. Not crying all night upset, but just bummed cause I really do look forward to watching it on Thursday nights. I will say that it's not as hip as it once was, but I do feel like they have managed to keep things together without being completely formulaic. I am definitely giving this show too much credit, but shut up I love it.

I went to the asian supermarket near me last night for the first time. What a cool experience. I ended up buying some items I really didn't need like Peanut Satay sauce and vermicelli noodles, but I managed to convince myself that it was in an effort for me to make pad thai sometime soon and also something yummy with peanut satay sauce. Anyone have ideas?

I was kind of rushing this morning and half way to work I realized that I wasn't wearing any make up or deoderant. I am not a cake face or anything, but I usually at least put cream on the huge dark circles under my eyes and try to look a bit more presentable at work..but alas today my coworkers get me in all my fug smelly glory.

I'm really excited that its the weekend. Tonight I think we are going to see all the art galleries that are doing First Friday. Hopefully it manages to hold off on the rain. We have been trying to find fun, free (or tres cheap) things to do in the city in the evenings, and this one we really enjoy provided that we can walk around and not get soaked! Tomorrow D is going to the Villanova game and then watching sports all afternoon, so I made some plans to go out with a new friend. Not sure what we are doing, but I really didn't want to sit around and watch sports. Sunday D is heading down to DC to visit his brother who just moved back from Venezuela. They are gona live it up and go see another Nova game on Monday. It will be nice to have the apartment to myself for a few days. I really want to try to pick one or two areas of the apartment and really power organize so that we have a few uncluttered areas. We are supposed to be moving our new couch in and our old couch out next Saturday so I really need to find someone to take our old couch too...My alternate plan is to hope that all the photos I ordered from Shutterfly arrive so I can hang out and scrapbook all day on Sunday ;) must more fun than organizing. What are other people up to? Any advice on fun cheap things to do?

New Years pics and Hump day news

2007-01-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

Awww, our first kiss of 2007. This was as fireworks were going off in Old City. D is very good at taking pics of us himself. I can never seem to manage doing it without getting the entire side of my face and then cutting most of his head off. It has been decided that he is the photographer in the family.

I 100% love my hair in this photo. As someone who has had dead straight hair my whole life, I get kinda excited when its curly. The hairdresser used about 2 cans of hairspray just to get it to stay pretty all night, but I was totally satisfied with it!

Today has been a weird one of adjustment at work. Yesterday we couldn't do anything as we were waiting for software so I spent a good part of the day trying to figure out how to make a cool blog. I really like the ones that have lists etc. down the sides but I am an HTMLtard so I don't know if I will ever get it working super cool.

I bought a new journal last night--a new journal for a new year. Usually I am not so hokey around the start of the year, but I am just DETERMINED to make more of myself and my life this year. Unless someone else in my life dies I know that this year will have to be better than last year so I am at least able to be optimistic about that. As always I am making lists regarding my goals for the year, my hopes, dreams etc. I feel like I am 11 a lot of the time. I have kept a journal since then, and it's always full of my dreamer ramblings. I just really want to be happier and get my life more organized.

I am starting the year off with my friend Lena reading "The Purpose Driven Life" together. She lives in Ontario and I live here so it will be sort of a long distance book club, but I am hoping that it will inspire me. I think I need inspiration and faith right now. I am also hoping it will rekindle our friendship. We were super crazy best friends in high school and while we have always kept in touch, we didn't stay as close. I really miss her and am hoping this will help bring us closer again.

Two of my favourite things I got for Christmas:
--"The Feast of Love" by Charles Baxter. My brother in a moment of amazing gift giving ability got this for me. It's an AMAZING book. I dont really know how to describe it other than kick ass. I wish I had enough time to just sit down with a mug of tea and read the whole thing. I am halfway through it and already know I will be reading it again.

--"Powerpoint eyeliner" from MAC. Santa put this in my stocking and I LOVE it. It goes on really smooth and easily and leaves a great line. Is kinda hard to get off though, so I should get some eyemakeup remover (or at least a better method than just scrubbing with facecloth)

Happy 2007

2007-01-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

After seeing Rocky Balboa on opening night in Philly D realized that something was missing in our marriage. That would be that I had no Rocky knowledge. So this past weekend...I got schooled. We watched Rocky 1-5 in HD cause it was being offered for free by Comcast. So now I am all up on my Philly Rocky Trivia...come on ask me anything!
I was also feeling really into the new year thing yesterday and wanted a new journal to start a new year. So D got up and trudged around with me to try to find somewhere open that sold journally types of things. Everywhere was closed! So I am off now to hit up Staples and Barnes and Noble to see if I can find anything. I also thought I would post the beginnings of my new year resolutions. Can you guess which one my Mum made up for me?

1) I will wake up every morning and say “thank you for this day, thank you that I am healthy, that I am able to work, that I am beautiful inside and out, that I am intelligent
2) I will look at all that I have and not what I don't have. My cup overflows
3) I will look at all that "stuff" that clutters my home and interferes with my serenity and I will pass it on to someone else
4) I will focus on what is really important
5)I will fight retail therapy and reward myself every time I resist by putting something in the bank or by buying one lovely flower on the way home so that when I sit down at night I will be glad I didn't spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need
6) I will keep the big goals in sight
7) I will relish in the serenity of not dreading the credit card bill when it comes in the mail knowing how much you can spend before it is on credit (7 is pretty related to 5 I think)

Likely last post of 2006!

2006-12-29T13:52:00.000-05:00

I have to say that Christmas went a lot better than I thought it would. There were some tears, but we really managed to just hang out as a family and really pull together. D had got my mum a star named after my dad which was a lovely tribute that she was really delighted with. It was really hard not to have my Dad there (especially since he looked like Santa..with his white beard and his twinkley eyes) but it was really nice to be home as a family

Yesterday was a strange day at work. There were only three people in my entire building. It was nice and quiet…one could actually get work done if so inclined. The work I am currently doing sort of hinges on help from another department who are all out this week…so I read up on how to work the Ipod I got for Christmas, ordered some photos from shutterfly, and talked to a friend. Sometimes I am super awesome at finding ways to get through 9-5 without actually getting anything done.

Wednesday night we met up with super good family friends to have dinner before D and I headed back to Philly. Much to my delight they brought me a photocopy of the ultrasound from that morning. They are going to have a little girl. The name they like right now is Genevieve Gabriella. It was really a blessing to get to see this little thing. She has perfectly formed lips and a gorgeous nose. I can’t wait to meet her…but she isn’t coming til MAY!!!

Today has also been really quiet at work. We went out to Vietnam Restaurant for a 2 hour lunch which was divine and relaxing. My boss just IM’ed me to tell me that I can leave at 2:30….oooh only an hour left. It’s so nice to be home in the afternoon…get random chores done and watch me some Oprah!

Tune in next time for my New Year resolutions…

Took a long time to come...

2006-12-22T09:12:00.000-05:00

I have had a really good week. Like I mean really good. D and I keep talking about how 2007 is going to be our year…we even have a song called “This will be our year” by Ok Go which we have been singing to each other lately to remind us:

The warmth of your love’s

Like the warmth of the sun

And this will be our year,

Took a long time to come.

Don’t let go of my hand

Now the darkness is gone

And this will be our year,

Took a long time to come.

And I won’t forget the way you held me

Up when I was down.

And I won’t forget the way you said

“Darling, I love you.”

You gave me faith to go on,

Now we’re there,

And we’ve only just begun.

This will be our year,

Took a long time to come.

The warmth of your smile,

Smile for me little one.

And this will be our year,

Took a long time to come.

You don’t have to worry,

All your worry days are gone.

And this will be our year,

Took a long to come

And I won’t forget the way you held me

Up when I was down.

And I won’t forget the way you said

“Darling, I love you.”

You gave me faith to go on,

Now we’re there,

And we’ve only just begun.

This will be our year,

Took a long time to come.

Yeah, we’ve only just begun.

And this will be our year,

Took a long time to....

So yeah now everyone can sing along. We have just had a really good week which is starting to make me feel like things are turning around for us. Wednesday night we went to see the Premier of Rocky Balboa with some friends. You sort of can’t help but feel inspired with movies like that. The soundtrack alone makes me want to triumph over adversity! Then yesterday D won two tickets to the New Years Gala that we already had tickets to. So we sold ours and are now essentially getting paid to go to a kick ass bash to ring in 2007.

I am trying not to get too insanely optimistic, but I know that I am going to work very hard to make this a good year. I don’t think it could possibly be worse than 2006 (please God don’t let anyone else I love die just yet)
Already we have some lovely things planned for this year. Mum and I are taking a “get away from it all” trip just the two of us in February. I think we will be going to Antigua, just to walk on beaches and drink yummy drinks and relax. Then in May D and I are going to Montreal to celebrate his little cousin’s graduation from high school. One of my maid’s of honour lives up there too so it will be nice to get to spend time with her as well. Then in July we are heading to Vancouver and Victoria for a week of vacationing, visiting friends and attending my uncle’s wedding. We also have a wedding in Ontario in August. Interspersed in here will be the births of a few babies. Hurray.

This afternoon we head out to Toronto for Christmas. Our friends Jen and Lance (the adorable newlyweds) will be picking us up at the airport and taking us to hang at their new house. I can't wait to see their new pad and to chill with them and their cool cats. Tomorrow morning we will head to Barrie where we meet my Mum and start the festivities. Will be a nice few days. Please pray for nice weather for us cause I really would love to actually have my flight be on time!

Also found out yesterday that Nicole named her son Maxwell Robertson. I can't wait to come home after Christmas and kiss and kiss and kiss that baby.

When is it considered too much of a good thing?

2006-12-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

As of two minutes ago, my total clementine cosumption for the day has reached a new high...5. and its only 3:30pm...I am sure I will eat more when I get home. Can one get sick from eating too many oranges? Now my tummy is kinda hurting, but that also may be cause I followed all the oranges with some Cadbury's Fruit and Nut.

I am leaving for Toronto on Friday afternoon, and although its only Tuesday, I am feeling the pinch of getting everything done before we go. I have to pack, repack, get D to pack for me cause he can always get everything to fit, do laundry, clean out apt so we don't come home to a mess when we get back, get D's tux to the drycleaners at some point, suss out all this work crap. Those are just the necessary things. We still have to get our suitcases that we store at D's mom's place cause we have no room...I don't know why but little details really seem to stress me out lately. I found a new doctor I want to start going to see for grief counselling and just life in general help. But for some reason it took me about two weeks to call his office? It's silly but I am just getting overwhelmed by the most random things.

Tonight we are hoping to go play Quizzo with some friends, tomorrow we have tickets to see the late showing of the new Rocky movie. Thursday is just going to be last minute running around stuff and Friday I only work til 12 and head to the airport. Home sweet home. I can't wait to see my Mum, but I am really nervous about how emotional Christmas is going to be. I know there will be a lot of crying involved which while therapeudic is also stressful. Anyway, two posts in one day and this one is starting to drag on.

Blessings/Star gazings

2006-12-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why the comment someone left for yesterday’s post is bugging me so much. I really am (usually) an optimistic person. I try to find the good in both people and situations. I am a really happy, nice, kind and friendly person. I just have happened to be in a bit of a funk lately. I miss my Dad a lot. It’s making me really depressed sometimes but I still feel like I am dealing pretty well for the situation I am in. And while I have been more stuck in my surroundings of the gutter as of late, there have been many blessings in my life which I will recount here…I am looking at the stars still whenever I can.

1) Two of my close girlfriends have had healthy babies in the past month. Tara and her husband welcomed little Sophie on November 27th. Nicole and her husband became proud parents of a little boy last night. Both babies are healthy; ten fingers ten toes, and “perfect” is the consensus so far.

2) My cousin and his wife are having a baby in March. Her pregnancy so far has been smooth and uneventful; she felt the first kicks this past weekend

3) My mother has learned how to take care of my Dad’s business in a relatively short amount of time. She is pressing on through her grief to get all the lose ends tied up with his car business so they can try to sell the lot at the beginning of the year

4) I have an amazing supportive, loving, caring and sweet husband. He makes me dinner, helps motivate me to exercise and encourages me in all my ventures. He knows just when I need a cuddle and just when I need a smooch. He has honed his skills at reading all my facial expressions and noises so he just gets up and gets me a drink sometimes just cause "I could tell you were thirsty" Love sweet love.

5) My grandparents who are now 90 and 85 have been healthy this year and are living near my Mum to help provide her with the love and support she needs.

6) My brother Elliott surprised himself with his capabilities this year. He took off on his own and headed to Australia for a Degree exchange program. He called yesterday to let me know that he passed with all A’s and now had a Degree in international business from the University of Western Sydney.

7) My youngest brother Taylor is finally learning the value of hard with and what he is really capable of. After taking the scenic route through college, he is busting his butt working two jobs and finishing up school this semester. He finally seems a little sure of himself.

8) I found a hobby that I absolutely love and take great joy in. I have parlayed it into a small side business that I hope to increase in the coming months.

9) I have an amazing best friend. We can go for weeks without talking but I know that no matter when I call her or what I need she would be there in a minute. I know she feels the same way about me. That is extremely comforting.

10) I have come to a better place within my job. My crappy boss left and my coworker and friend has taken over her position. He really deserved it and has so far been managing our department in such a way that we are all much, much happier. I just moved to a new cubicle with a window seat…it’s the next best thing to being outside all day.
11) I have great friends. My friend Liz is always available to talk to online (we are at work the same hours) She always knows how to make me feel better and can talk me down from the insanity that is my inner monologue. We have both been growing together this year as we try to better ourselves and leave behind our insecurities

12) I just got off the phone with my grandmother who just told me that she decided to give the grandchildren part of her inheritance now. So I can get out of debt and have some savings. Excellent.

13) The Drycleaners found my dress. Apparently the tag fell off the bag or something so when I went in yesterday we had to watch the entire rack of clothes go around, but hallelujah! We found it!

14) I have pretty good health. (as I knock on wood) I haven’t had any bad colds yet this year and with the exercising that I have been doing I may be able to try to keep illness at bay.

…this is all for now as I really have to get back to work…which is another blessing as I am employed by a company, I have health insurance and I get a really good amount of days off a year.

Minutes of Today

2006-12-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

8:35am:Am sitting at work enjoying my milkyway chocochino (from the weird new coffee machine at work) and eating Special K Strawberry snack bites. Tres tasty. I am currently pissed at myself for forgetting my glasses today... I remembered the case, but I realize that the important part of that equation is still sitting on my bedside table.
We had a really nice weekend. Friday night we did Hanukkah with D and his parents. We exchanged some cool gifts and went out for dinner. My mother in law is crazy stressed with her job right now so we took it upon ourselves to try to cheer her up. Hopefully it worked. Saturday we just hung out and watched some Christmas movies together, including the Muppets Christmas Carol. (this was my present from the first night of Hanukkah) if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. Nothing screams Christmas like a bunch of Muppets and Michael Caine! Sunday we drove to Scranton and back to have lunch with D’s Grandma Pearl. It was sweet of her to take us out for lunch, but it was tough going as we missed the Eagles/Giants game. D and his Dad were pretty concerned that they would hear the score before we got home to watch it on Tivo, so we made sure to have no outside stimuli for the 2.5 hrs back to Philadelphia. Let me tell you, watching football when you can fast forward is WAY better than normal football…I wonder if I can institute that as a new rule on Sundays…?

1:29pm: Work is quiet today. Everyone is on vacation…yet I still have tons to do. I am trying to install a client application on to my work comp, but it is so old and crappy that it is taking forever. I can really get my job done this way.

2:37pm: Wow where did the last hour go? That’s cool. Although I really am ready to be heading home now. I have just learned that Monday night Football tonight is a huge game so we will be watching that at 8:30. I am a bit confused. When I first started dating a sports nut I was feeling ok with the fact that I would have to relinquish control of the television (and our living room) to watch Eagles games on Sundays. Now there is Thursday night football, Saturday night football…and we no longer just are content to watch the beloved Birds play, we also have to watch all games that have potential to affect our playoff standings. Zzzzzz. I can sometimes get into an Eagles game, in fact I have yelled at the TV many times this past season, but I just can’t seem to care about other random teams.

3:41pm: Have been trying to install new software all afternoon. Why do I always get error messages? But on the plus side this afternoon has gone by really quickly and I am leaning towards going home. First stop will be to return a Hanukkah gift that I got for D that he isn’t too crazy about, then on to the drycleaners in the hopes that I can find my dress that they some how misplaced.

please...what next

2006-12-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

I miscalculated my finances and when I went to the bank today I was -$300.02. Great. And I just realized that the drycleaning I picked up last night didn't contain the bridesmaid dress (that I really like) that is a $250 designer dress. Just realized that now. Of course I have no proof cause the drycleaners takes the ticket back when you hand it in. I am so freaking close to just complete mental nothingness, why do I feel like I can't catch a break? I just am so unhappy right now i don't know what to do with myself

Friend or Foe

2006-11-28T14:12:00.000-05:00

The only thing that is making me smile today is listening to 'Postcard (Chimpanzee)' by Barenaked Ladies on repeat on my Ipod. So I will continue to do that cause I can and I need something to keep me from flipping out.

Today I am thinking about

2006-11-21T16:52:00.000-05:00

My obsession with getting mail is starting to spill over into and affect my everyday working life. I continually hit refresh on my hotmail and when I see it say “you have no new messages” I get that little sad feeling in my heart. When it says I have new messages I get all excited until I see it is the latest promotion from Pottery Barn or DSW. Lame? Yes. True? Also yes.

I just started being a consultant for Creative Memories Scrapbooking supplies. So far I love it. It is randomly making me feel more confident as I am now approaching all kinds of people I work with as well as friends and family members to discuss scrapbooking with them. Hub is helping by being really encouraging and providing me with ideas. It’s nice to feel excited about something.

On the polar opposite of that, I have managed to pretty much isolate myself from my friends. I am being pretty anti social, I am not really calling people back but then I have noticed that those people have just stopped calling. I have no right to judge as I am the one who doesn’t seem to return calls right now. But it still makes me sad. I sometimes feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and no one would notice for a while.

Also--I want a new camera. Really badly. Ours still works which makes me feel like an idiot for lusting after a new one, but I want one that works better. I think that I will take better pictures if I have a better camera. Which likely isn't true, I just suck at taking photos...so why do I obsess and keep looking online for deals. Too much time on my hands? No thats not it....I think I just like having things to want to do so that I don't think too hard about my life. It is good to focus on extraneous things.

almost a month

2006-11-16T10:17:00.000-05:00

It's been ages. It's weird cause I continally think about blogging, but then I just somehow don't get around to doing it. I guess I have been pretty depressed lately. Was home in Canada for a week, spending time with my Mum...now am trying to write something interesting but am too up to my eyeballs at work to even think right now..so this is just to say that I am still alive.

my week

2006-10-26T12:29:00.000-04:00

I am a dreamer—a cheese ball romantic dreamer. As such I tend to lend myself often up to disappointment as I get WAY too excited about something, plan it out in my head, and inevitably end up disappointed. I am very pleased to report that Monday night was the exception.

I came home from work to find this in my living room :

Hub found these chairs while we were in Canada for my Dad's funeral. He knew that I would love them so much (which I do cause they are so freaking cute) so he managed to cram them in the back of the car and drive back to Philadelphia with them. He also set up the little end table we have for a romantic little dinner of crab cakes and amazing dessert from Di Bruno brothers. SUCH an exciting and unexpected evening. Also last night I came home and he had cleaned out our little den room (its considered a half bedroom I think..tiny wee room) but we had managed to jam it full of crap and he magically made it look spic and span. I am SO happy about that. It's scary that he has become so much cleaner than me. When we first met his place was a dump!

I dont know if it can be seen in the above photo but the left window ledge is the start of our 'Eagles' themed fall decorations. What you can't see are the 8 jerseys hanging on the wall behind our TV. We are true Eagles fans. Hub is in his blood, I just am through marriage!

Week at a glance: Tonight I am going to hear Frank Warren (from www.postsecret.com fame) read at Barnes and Nobles. I am pretty addicted to those secrets and I can't wait to hear him talk about his favourite secrets etc. Should be interesting. Tomorrow night is my friend Christine's birthday celebration so we are going out to Mad for Mex for happy hour. I love happy hour. I don't go out often enough but man I love drinking after work. I am a bit hesitant to go there though cause last time Hub's brother was in town we went there for drinks. And more drinks. And some how I convinced myself that I wanted to smoke a lot of cigarettes. And eat Nachos. I barfed all over my shoes in the underground parking garage at our apartment building that night. not fun. Saturday is Halloween going out night for us. I have been planning on going as something 80s, but as per usual my costume has been left to the last minute (NOTORIOUS procrastinator) My girlfriend Caitlin from Ontario is stopping in Philly for the night on her way to North Carolina, so we will have to have some good times cause she is moving to Caracas to teach English. Sunday I have a babyshower at 11:30, then going to visit my cousins and their baby and then to Alan's parents for the annual pumpkin carving event. BUSY week, I rarely have this many plans in a month!

Two years down, forever to go

2006-10-23T16:08:00.000-04:00

Today is my two year anniversary. I can't believe that much time has passed; I feel like so much and nothing has happened in that time. Not sure if it makes sense. We marked the occasion with a trip down to Bethany Beach Delaware for the weekend. Just hung out, ate a plethora of seafood (crab legs) and snuggled and watched When Harry Met Sally (my fave movie he surprised me by bringing down. All in all good times.

Thursday night we played Quizzo at Fergies (see www.quizzo.com for further details) we didn't win, but we didn't come in last so that's a plus. I got all excited by a recipe on the back of the Malt vinegar bottle so I carefully peeled it off so I could try it. This is it:

Peachy Chicken

Drain 1 can (16 ounces) peaches, reserving liquid; set aside. In large skillet, brown 2-1/2 lbs skinned chicken pieces in 1Tablespoon vegetable oil. Combine reserved peach liquid ¼ cup frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed, ¼ cup Heinz malt vinegar, 1 tablespoon brown sugar, 1 teaspoon basil leaves, ½ teaspoon salt, ¼ EACH ground cloves and cinnamon, 1/8 teaspoon pepper, pour over chicken. Cover and simmer for 25-30 mins or until chicken is cooked. Add peaches, heat. Combine 2 tablespoons EACH cornstarch and water, stir into sauce. Heat stirring until sauce is thickened. Serve chicken and sauce with rice. Makes 4-5 servings.

I have no idea if it's any good, it just sounded intriguing...and going with my cooking is fun theme from lately I thought I might try it.

Today

2006-10-18T17:35:00.000-04:00

10:45am
Things I like about this morning:
-Hub had to work same time as me close to my office so we got up together, he made me breakfast and we walked to work together
-Hub is working a gum promotion so I got a pile of free gum
-still basking in the post-successful Meatloaf glow

Things I don’t like about this morning:
-the button (that has been hanging by a thread all summer) on my pants just fell off in the bathroom, this is a two-fold not liking situation 1) it touched the office bathroom floor and 2)now my pants are sort of falling down
-my coworker who is supposed to be helping me with this project is working from home today. This normally wouldn’t be an issue but when he “works from home” he does things like grocery shopping and errand running. Which leaves me kinda stranded in the help department.

12:10pm
Things I like about this afternoon:
-Went to the GAP at lunch and the cute little sweater vest that I had been eyeing up that was $38 last week was on sale for $19! Although its in a L and I could have done with a M I think I am gona make this work cause its so freaking cute. Just will wear over top of a white button up shirt
-Following the GAP I headed to Subway. Ordered a 6” turkey sandwich. Apparently on Wednesdays they have a special on turkey sammies…was only $2.49! YAY

Things I don’t like about this afternoon:
-So far, nothing J

5:36pm
Things I hate--"making copies" for 2 hours...bah

Wet Dog and the rest of my life

2006-10-17T16:09:00.000-04:00

Last week the bathroom on the floor above us at work flooded. (gross) Flooded all down the walls of my office (double gross) So last week we had to deal with loud fans blowing all over the place to try to sop up some of the water. I am not sure how well it worked cause this week the entire place smells like wet golden retriever. (my grandparents used to own one so I can speak on some authority here) It's foul. To make up for such disgusting work environment the building management provided us with continental breakfast. I personally don't feel like muffins and fake OJ make up for wet dog smell. The elevators even reek...and some thoughtful person keeps liberally spraying 'Polo' by Ralph Lauren. So I have been practicing holding my breath a few times a day for 12 floors. I figure this can just be some new form of survival training.

The Hub is working late tonight so I thought I would try to be kickass wife-type and make his favourite meatloaf (father-in-laws recipe) as a treat for dinner. I emailed said FIL for recipe and this is what he sent back :Ground Sirloin, One Egg, salt & pepper, breadcrumbs, onion soup mix, Worcestershire sauce ( a teaspoon).Combine ingredients , Mold into a meatloaf. I don't know why but I feel like that was the cutest recipe I have ever seen. I have no idea how much of anything, but the end result is to stick it into meatloaf formation. So pray for me as I venture into this (Semi)unknown world of cooking. my friend Liz attempted Meatloaf earlier this week and told me it came out more like MeatLOAD. They had to send out for pizza. I was hoping that meatloaf was foolproof, we shall soon see.

I have been pretty depressed lately. I am surprised by the amount of random things that I see and hear about that remind me of my Dad. Almost lost it watching a commercial for golf on ESPN--I never knew Vijay Singh could get to me so much! There are so many little things that I took for granted I would just talk to my Dad about another time. The finality of death is just so sombering and shitty. Again, try to think of the blessings, but sometimes its easier to just be selfish and angry. I didn't realize what crazy things that grief can do to your body (and mind) I have more zits than I ever have had in my life, I have to force myself to shower cause I am feeling so lazy, and I had convinced myself I was pregnant. Yeesh. Hub is helping as much as he can but really what can he do? He has gotten really good at knowing just when I need a hug and at making the perfect cup of tea, and telling me that I am going to get a little bit ripe if I don't hop in the shower asap. I just feel really helpless sometimes now and it's so nice to have someone to just take charge for a bit.

Something new every day...

2006-10-16T13:17:00.000-04:00

non sequitur/[non sek-wi-ter, -toor; Lat. nohn se-kwi-toor]
1.Logic. an inference or a conclusion that does not follow from the premises.
2.a statement containing an illogical conclusion.

--I was going to name my post today non sequitur cause I had a bunch of random things I have been writing about, but I guess this word means something different than I have thought. I thought it more had to do with talking about things and then talking about something else that had nothing to do with the first thing. I guess I was close but not quite on. So here was what I was working on before I decided to check out dictionary.com

So far this week I have discovered some new loves…
1) Google Calendar. It is freaking awesome. I cannot fully describe its awesomeness so I advise you to check it out. I just spent the past two hours at work setting it up and adding which other calendars to view and sharing mutual friend’s birthdays with others. Good times.

2) Ambien CR—due to the recent stressors in my life I have been having a hard time sleeping. Hub called my doctor and had her call in a prescription for Ambien. I have had some of the best sleeps. It’s funny though cause if you take it and try to stay awake you start hallucinating! So I take it and just get right into bed. I have an amazing sleep and then wake up without feeling groggy. Awesome. I can see how it could be habit forming, cause its amazing, but I am only using it

Am also making a new rule—there is this disgusting draw I have to Mcdonalds. I do NOT know where it comes from, but the longer I go without it the less intense it is, but like a drug addict there are still those days when that is all that will satisfy me. So I have decided that the ONLY thing I can get from there is a cheeseburger. If I want a Big Mac I will just have to get Big Mac sauce on the cheeseburger. Cause today I decided I needed the extra 51g of fat and I got a quarterpounder. Now I feel like my stomach is in revolt and I hate feeling like a large mammal for eating so much. mur.

Random Blessings

2006-10-10T15:07:00.000-04:00

I have been having a go of things lately just letting myself be depressed and loll (is that a word?) around my apartment. Hub is trying his best to perk me up but I am just kind of feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I made a go of it this weekend though and worked a Jameson promotion on Saturday night to get me out of the house. I actually organized some of our apartment (I can't believe it either) And feeling truly domestic, I woke up on Sunday and decided to cook some food for the gang coming over to watch football. My good friend Alan bought me a copy of The Joy of Cooking as a birthday present and I decided to make something from it. Thai Chicken and Coconut soup! Apparently it isn't an easy first soup to make...but I did it. I forgot to get Lemon Grass and I bought Parsley instead of Coriander but it turned out really good anyway. So, I have decided that cooking makes me feel like a "woman" yeah yeah I know that is lame, but my Mum was always such a good cook and it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment when I create something edible. So I have decided to keep peeking in my recipe books and make one new thing a week. If anyone has any diabetic recipes or anything that isn't too complicated for a new cook--pass them along!

Another blessing came right up to me and bit me this morning. Well more so called me on my cellphone while I was brushing my teeth. The Indigo Girls are playing in Philadelphia tonight and my friend Christine has an extra ticket. So I am going to go, and listen to some folksy lesbian music for a few hours. I used to LOVE them in high school so this will just bring back some really nice safe feelings for me tonight which I am excited about. It will be good to get out of the house and not mope, plus it will give the Hub a chance to recharge and not have to worry about trying to make me feel better for a few hours :) Now if I can just get through work... ;)